The World According to Lucy

It didn't work.

2011-11-23T00:01:00.000-06:00

I was stupid. I called Rain. Big, big Mistake. The third needle rolled away out of my reach. I almost fell off the bed trying to grab it and by the time I pulled myself up on the bed I passed out. I give Rain credit for taking me home and trying to act like she cared about me. She did a good job for a few weeks but the love she doesn't have for me started to come out. I have decided to stay out of her life. I decided to give her what she wants and that is me out so that she can settle in with the other one. I will miss her and her family but it is over. I wish her the best and I hope she will be happy with her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My only life now will be No life.

HEART IS BREAKING

2011-06-05T23:24:00.000-05:00

I think I will make a pill that shuts down your heart when it is breaking. I wish it would listen to my brain and stop hurting and just give up. I'm worried to death about her. There was a fight again last night between her and the other. She didn't want to have anything to do with me when I tried to call her. I'm sitting here now worrying to death about her. Normally I would call and be there for her, but she has shown me a thousand times that she doesn't need me or care about me. Why can't I just let go. Unfortunetly my brain keeps remembering how much fun and loving she can be. That is the side I can't let go of and pray someday she will be the person I know is inside of her. I keep trying to run through my brain all the times she has hurt me I try to remember only those times,but it doesn't work. I would much rather be happy than miserable but she doesn't want to let herself be happy and she could if she would only try. I'm so tired of thinking about death, but it seems so peaceful compared to the life I have now. I try to sleep as much as I can just so I can shut down. I can't help but thinking about being with her and us being happy. We both have good families. Yes I know I can't walk away from here but I really think if she did care, and I knew she would stay with me, I would for once in my life put myself first. It would be painful to hurt him and have him go to a home, but I don't think I can go on hurting so bad and being miserable. Oh well this day is almost over, maybe tomorrow I might end all of this.

I WAS JUST THINKING

2011-06-05T01:29:00.000-05:00

She always tells me that is a big mistake when I think. Anyway, I was wondering if it would still be consider suicide if I stop taking all my meds. Blood pressure, insulin etc. If I started eating all the fats, starch and sugar that I could get into my body. Would that be suicide. I could just convince myself I have become one of those people who believes meds etc is bad for you. It would take alittle longer than what I had planned but maybe I won't burn for eternity.
P.S. I know there was alot of missed spelled words and some bad grammer in my last post but I hit post then looked back and it was to late to change. OH well.

I hate being up and then getting slammed down.

2011-06-05T00:34:00.000-05:00

Day started off great went to her family birthday party and had a great time. Not even a mile away from their house and her phone starts texting. I was looking forward to us going to our hangout and having some fun alone. I thought maybe she had a good day with me and also was looking for time alone with me since I have only seen her once for a few hours in about 4 weeks it might have been less but to me it seemed forever. I also thought that she had spent so much time with the other one and one of her friends that she would like to be with just me, but no the texting started to for them to come to our hang out. I should have dropped her off and left. Tbey finally left and I decided to let go of the knot in my stomach and we had a nice ride back to her house and some laughs when we got there. She even gave me a nice kiss and held me. I had to leave, got home and we were having fun on facebook. I went to text her about something and I didn't get answer. After a dozen calls to her and texting to her with no answer I was panicking something was wrong. The other one came home and a fight began between them. She denies being jealous of the other one and a friend of hers but someone doesn't go nuts at the mention of the other ones friends name. This has gone on for about a year and a half. She says it is because she can't stand the other ones friend and it has nothing of being jealous. I'm not stupid, if it was that then she would have let go of this a long time ago. 11 years ago when the other one came back into her life I could tell there was a change and I new right away she still cared about the other one. All this time I had hoped so badly that she would let got. There was times that she and I would go years with having a good time and enjoying each other but I always felt the shoe would fall and someday she would admit she still loved the other one and it finally happened last year. I just about killed me. All the times we made loved and had a great time became sad memories for me. I then and still do think she wished it was her everytime she touched me, everytime we laughed together she wished it was her she was laughing with, I couldn't stand these thoughts and almost went crazy over it. The pain of these thoughts have never left, it destroyed all the happy times I had with her. It made me feel stupid that I even tried to think she loved me, wanted to make love to only to me, to laugh only with me etc. I have been there for her, I have made her laugh, I let her know how special she is and I have always been there for her. Unfortunately that wasn't enough to make her forget the other one. From what I have seen and know of there relationship the other one never did any of this for her. One can never know why someone who had someone who would walk on water for them would want someone who wouldn't even lift of finger to be there for them. I remeber someone 11 years ago who was totally different than the person she is now. I never want credit for anything I do but it hurts when she doesn't realize it was me that helped her come out of her shell. She has forgotten it was me who was there trying to pull her out of her shell even with her friends, but now she thinks she just started coming out of it on her own and she has forgotten I was back there way back in time trying to open up to her friends, to let them in her life instead of sitting there and playing trivia then going home. My stupid heartwon't let go. As soon as I see her or hear her voice it starting beating fast and it hopes that maybe, just maybe I might have that one chance to win her love. It will never happen. My brain knows this. So I keep battling my heart to let go, but I can't stand the pain much longer. I don't want to let go because I love her, and she doesn't realize if I do this the one person she has that really loves her won't be their to pull her out of her dpression and make her laugh. I'm so tired of hurting physically and emotionally. I pray every day that I won't wake up to face another day. If I knew I wouldn't be punished for the reat of eternity, I would go ahead and take a full bottle of pain pills and load of insulin to make sure I can't be saved. I have gone over and over in my head how I would do it. I have left goodbye letters on my puter and directions on how to bury me, distripute my stuff, etc. I'm getting closer and closer to taking my chances that I won't be punished in the after life. That God will understand that I can't take the pain in my heart anymore and I can't take the life that I'm living her at home. I picked up the pills and filled up some insulin needles. I have it all planned in my head to quietly turn off the phones so he can't be called, send her a message to make sure my sister gets my computer and not to try and call here to tell him because I turned off the phones and not to call my sister because she is at work and she won't answer her phone because they won't let them get calls. Then go quietly and lay down in my bed. He would never know until moring what I did and would to late to save me. I keep thinking about the pain finally stopping in my heart, the physical exhaustion and physical pain I go through everyday would finally be over. Unfortunaetly that one fear I have of paying for what I did would be alots longer than what I have to deal with now on earth. I just want to be happy, I'm so tired.

Nothing has changed.

2011-06-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

Each day I hope things will be different. My thinking I wasn't being missed was proved tonight. It is getting closer to the time when I can get out of here and stay away from here on the weekends. I was stupid to think she might be excited about me being able to stay on the weekends. No, she let me know that she wasn't excited and maybe she acted like she didn't want me to stay anymore. Well there is something going for the next 3 weekends. I think I will quit going out on friday nights. One of the weekends she will have to be with me overnight. That is next weekend. So I guess that will be the last night that I stay. I think she is having more fun without me around so it will be easy on her when I stop coming out. I wanted to at least be friends, but I can't stand seeing her and dealing with the fact that she doesn't want to hold me or anything so I don't think it is going to work out with us just being friends because it is breaking my heart. I guess I will have to look at it like a death and just deal with the pain and leave her alone.

Libra

2011-05-15T00:09:00.000-05:00

Being Libra I have a need to weigh everything. The scale has hit bottom on one side. I think this decision will make someone very very happy.

IT IS TIME TO GIVE UP.

2011-05-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

I guess it isn't time for me to write what I have been thinking. I had a lot to say but the one thing that keeps going over in my mind is Give up and quit trying to hang on to something that doesn't need you.

I Had A Happy Post But It Went Bye-Bye

2010-04-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

Husband was suppose to go to Vanderbilt Hospital this month to see if he was a candidate for a kidney transplant. We were excited and worried. I made the mistake of getting the mail today. Letter from Vanderbilt said so sad, to bad, you are not a candidate. You have to many health problems and we will not waste a kidney on you. Well not exactly like that, but that is what it boiled down too. I still care about him, but he doesn't have my heart. He goes to dialysis three times a week. They put a port in his arm, right above the left elbow, so that they can hook him up to the machine. It is awful if you touch his arm, you can feel the blood rushing through the arm. It takes about 3 to 4 hours. Then they take out the needles and he has to wait until he quits bleeding before he can leave. He comes home and sleeps for about 3 hours and he feels sick for most of the day. This was not good news from the transplant place. It means he will never have a life again. He can't go anywhere because he can't live without being on the machine.

Oh Well, life goes on, maybe I will have a happy post tomorrow.

My Double Life

2010-04-06T15:28:00.002-05:00

Hmmmm. Where do I begin. I guess from the beginning. I got married a month before my 21st birthday. We had been dating, off and on since I was 16. We have been married now for 37yrs. While we were dating, we would have a fight about every 6 months. I would close out my savings account, go and buy new clothes and hit the streets with my friends, and I would date until he pulled his brain back together and send me, I'm sorry letter. I'm glad now that it happened that way, because I can't say he was the only one I dated. I guess it just makes me feel like I didn't settle for the first one that came along. He is a good guy. My family loves him and my friends love him and I did love him. Our marriage was good. It wasn't perfect, but I think most people can say the same thing. There was one thing that was important to me. Something that I enjoyed and something that I needed. Will I say what it was, NO. I did talk to him through the years about this problem. There were times I cried and he knew I was really upset, but he chose not to listen to me. It made me feel ugly, unwanted and a whole lot of different things. Life went on and then we had to make a decision to give up everything up north and move here to start taking care of my family. Yes he was unselfish and said yes to us moving. Things didn't change even with us moving. I thought maybe away from everyone up there that things might be different here, but it wasn't. Financially things started going bad. The good paying job he had when we moved here, folded, but he did find another job. Then he had a major heart attack, 7 bypasses. After about a year he was doing good. He walked everyday, lost a lot of weight and he felt great. I thought maybe things would change. OK, I will say it, I thought he would want me, but no, everything I blamed it on his weight, or whatever excuse I made was gone. He just didn't want me in that way. I was assistant manager at a local gas station, on the night shift. Some of the local guys were paying attention to me. I had never, ever, thought about going out with someone. I had plenty of opportunities, but I always said NO. Why didn't I leave him. I blame it on being a Libra. I weigh everything. I looked at all his good sides, and only one bad, so the scale was on his side. I started to work on our problem. I guess after his heart attack, I started feeling life passing me on, (I was about 42) and things had to change. It was something that should have been important in our marriage and I was the only one that felt that way. I talked to him. I told him I couldn't go on without being held, and that there was someone interested in me where I worked. If things didn't change, I didn't think I would be able to control myself. I still can't believe he made lite of how I was feeling even though he knew I was so upset. I couldn't get it in his head that this problem was so important to me. I started flirting more. I remember the day Milk Boy,( that was the name my husband gave him, yes my husband even gave him a nickname because I told him this guy always stopped and bought chocolate milk when he got off from work). Anyway, Milk Boy had stopped in the day before and said he was going fishing in the morning, at sunrise. Next evening he comes in, walks by the counter, I said how was the fishing, he said (now I can't remember if he went fishing) but he is heading back from the coolers talking, I see his hand up in the air, above the counters and he was shaking the milk. I said the next time you go, I would love to go and see the sunrise. The milk stops shaking...lolol. OH! Men are so predictable. I knew what was coming, before he even got up to the counter. He leans on it with this chess a cat grin and says "You would like to see the sunrise, with me". It was all downhill from there, I had him by the you know whats. Now he is stopping in every night after work and we talk. I go to husband and tell him all about this, his answer was go for it. Well not like that but close. My heart just stopped beating, I couldn't believe that he would prefer me to be with someone else. He knew I was serious. I must be stupid. How many spouses tells their spouse, I'm going to go out on you". Duh! At that moment I stopped loving him. I just shut down inside. Well Milk Boy and I started seeing each other, oh it was just quickies her and there. I felt like it was someone else doing this, it couldn't be me. I can't really explain it. I picked him over the other guys because he had a cocky attitude and I knew I would never fall for him, this would be only for fun. Back at the store a woman was coming in and we had started talking and sort of becoming friends. She liked auctions and I did to and we talked about going together. So we were becoming friends. One day she pays for her things with a check. I look down and I almost lost my lunch. I saw she had the same name as Milk Boy. He said he was single. OK! tell myself it could be a coincidence but I waited til she left and got out the phone book. There at the same address was Milk boy's name. Only I could become friends with the wife of the guy I'm having an affair with, back to why I'm called LUCY. I tell him it is done, over, finished. She starts coming in more and now he is with her, and I want to crawl under the counter. Now I'm in the middle of this, I like her friendship and we started hanging out. We went a lot of places together and I never told her, I know that sounds terrible, but what was I going to say "oh we can't be friends because I was doing your husband". I don't see her now, our lives sort of went different ways but she never found out about us. I tell you it is strange, going to an auction and you are in the middle of an ex lover and his wife.

Now about the part of me that I had decided that needed to come out. I knew my whole life I was different. I was born in the 50's when sex was never mentioned out loud, much less the word Lesbian. I didn't understand my feelings. I had never heard about gay people. Around my friends the feelings never came out and I finally figured out why. My friends were very feminine, like me, I wasn't attracted to them. My unusual feelings would come out when I watched a porn movie (I wasn't watching the men) or had a fantasy here and there, which did not involve a male. Every once in awhile when I saw a woman in a baseball cap, well I knew something was different, I NO, sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake. Geez, I don't know how I made it this far in life. As I got older these feelings got stronger, but I didn't know what to do about them. Like I said, when you look back over my life, you can see a pattern, and my life fell into place as it wanted to happen not what I wanted. I guess this wasn't suppose to come out until I got older. From about my middle 30's I started battling my feelings of wanting a woman. Now I'm in my 40's, down here in the little town that was forgotten. I was use to having a lot of friends to hang out with and run around with, since my husband enjoyed staying at home all the time. NO, I always behaved, I just loved going out to dinner, traveling, going to movies, belonging to clubs, and one of my friends would have to say is"Wanna Go" and I would be out the door. I moved here to take care of my family, and then I find out the women weren't aloud outside of their houses without there husbands. Ugh. Without me having a social life, my family thought I would have a break down. Up north I kept two calendars, one on the wall and one in my purse so that I could keep up with everything I had to do. Finally made a friend where I was working, no she was straight, but it had an unhappy ending. Maybe I'm cursed. Anyway, that is another story. So I needed to find another friend, a good friend, to hang out with and have fun, but I also was thinking that I needed to come out of the closet. Well I got on line, started talking to Wolf and I found everything I was looking for, but the most important thing I found was a good friend.

Back to the husband. I decided I needed to get out of my marriage, but husbands health had started going down hill. Too late. I had fallen in love with Wolf, but she didn't love me. I should have still left from here but my step dad was still living and I decided not to make everyone else unhappy. So I did what I always have done and I put everyone else first. Now husbands health is really bad. He is on dialysis three times a week and only walks a few feet. I have to take care of everything. All the worries, all the care of the house, all the care of myself and also all the care of him. I make a dozen or more trips back and forth all day long, carrying food, bath water or something he needs. I also take care of his 88year old mother. Thank God she is healthy, but for 40 years I have done everything for her, including her thinking. My husbands dad died of cancer two years before we were married. Yes it is my fault that I took over everything. I'm the type that wants things done now and not 6 months from now. So instead of making her and her son do what they should have been doing, I did everything for them, and now they think they can't do anything for themselves. Now I'm sick. In three years I have had both knees replaced, rod and 4 screws put in my back and told my spine will keep degenerating, and a torn rota-tor cuff fixed. Plus diabetic etc., and it is rough. But, it is the bed that I have made and now I have to lay in it. Yes he knows about Wolf, and he would have been alright with everything but he found out I had fallen in love with her. I do feel bad about that, I have never hurt anybody in my life and a part of me wishes I hadn't done that to him, but I couldn't help falling in love with her. To show you that he is a decent person, when my step dad passed away, Wolf and Annie came to the visitation. When they got ready to leave, he walked up to Wolf and hugged her. She just froze with the look of terror on her face. She thought he was going to slug her or something, but he knew how upset I was at my loss and he knew how much I care about her and he was just making a nice gesture. When Friday comes I put all of his food together for the weekend. I set up as much as I can next to him where he can reach it, in coolers etc, my sister brings pizza on Saturday and the only thing my mother n law has to do is fix lunch on Sunday and then I'm back here. So when the weekends arrive I start them off totally exhausted, but it is worth getting out of here. Life is punishing me for being a bad person. We are financially losing everything, and I can't find a way out of that mess, I can't even talk to him about it because he gets so upset, then I have to deal with him and myself being upset. If I leave, him and his mother they would have to go into a nursing home.

I know myself, I would never be able to live with that so I stay here being miserable, living for the weekends, and hoping someday Wolf will love me, more than just a friend. I think my next blog will be the day I walked into F's and saw her for the first time.

P.S.

I put all of this out here because my blog is my journaling. My venting of my life. I have always been a happy go lucky person and I'm trying not to let all of this bring me down, and I'm hoping blogging will let me release all of my tensions so that when I'm out on the weekend or with friends that I can hide what is going on inside me. Yes Brooklyn I will get your email address. The only people I have to talk to is my sister, but I don't talk to her about my feelings, and my niece, but I don't want to worry her,Yellowdoggrannie has been kind enough to lend me her ear, and Wolf, but she has enough problems of her own.

So if someone reads this and hates me because I'm an adulteress, OH well. It is something I have to live with and something I will have to answer for someday.

I Can't Take

2010-04-02T08:25:00.043-05:00

I'm a giver. I want to take care of someone when they need me. I want to cheer someone up when they are sad. If there is a hurt animal I will do everything to help it. I guess I do it for a selfish reason, it makes me feel good when I have listened to others problems and I have made them feel better because I was there, or when they are sick and I have done something to make them more comfortable, and if it puts a smile on there face, I feel great inside. When someone is hurting I feel their pain and it rips my heart out. When I see an animal hurt, I can barely stand the pain I feel inside. So, if I make you feel better and stop an animal from hurting, I feel fantastic inside. So I'm a selfish person. I was talking to someone and I said that feeling good inside is so much better than being miserable. They said it is easier to feel miserable, this is true, but I would take a happy feeling way over the miserable feeling even if I have to work harder at feeling good. OK, that is why I'm a giver. I don't know why I can't take back. Yes I have had everyone tell me that it is wrong not to want to take. That if I give out I should be willing to ask for help, and to take what is given me. I just can't, the end. I have always been a strong person, physically and mentally. I might mope around and feel sorry for myself then I put my big girl panties on and deal or straighten out whatever the problem might be. I don't know I just feel I have reached the end of my rope, my hand is at the end and my other has know place to go. I can't believe I have said all of the different things on this blog. I never say what is inside of me. One of my friends, after knowing her for 15 years, asked me one day to talk to her. I said I'm always talking. She said no, you know everything about me, you know how I feel about everything, I no nothing about what is inside of you. How you feel inside, yes you say your opinion of something but not what is going on in your heart and head and what you are feeling. I was going through a rough time and she knew this, but all I could do is look at her and say I'm Fine. The only person who really knows me is Wolf. Well this blog but maybe not very many people will ever read it. I guess it is because she isn't judgemental, or maybe she won't think I'm nuts about what I'm thinking. Well, I think she thinks I'm nuts. lol

This blog was brought on because someone was kind enough to say they would listen. I thank them. This is important to me. I know people care about me, but this person knows about some of the things going on in my life, more than my family or friends, and it was nice to know she and her g/f would be there to listen. I guess I feel there is no reason to talk about what is happening. If I walk away, I have to live the rest of my life with the pain and suffering I will cause. Two of the people in my family that knows my situation, wants me to walk away, but I'm the one that has to live with the destruction I will cause, and I would much rather be miserable than to hurt someone that bad. Financially nobody can help, I have buried myself. I guess this is the reason I don't talk about this problem, there is know answer.

OK, enough of this. I need to get packed and I'm looking forward to having my pillow fluffed, and yes I will have to take an ass kicking before this will happen. It will be worth it. 8-)

It Has Been A Long Week

2010-04-01T15:52:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted because it has been a rough week. I have had people ask me, Are You Ever In A Bad mood, you are always smiling, I'm glad at times that they can't see behind the smile. Most of the time, I'm in a good mood. I have always felt, why should I bring others down just because I'm having a rough day. When I'm having a bad time I always look through a tunnel, even if there is a speck of light, I have hope. That tunnel has closed. I have spent the week writing out where I want things to go. That was a sad reality of how little I have, so I hope everyone will just be happy that I have loved them. I have tried to be a good sister, friend, aunt, daughter and give my heart to the one I love. So I guess that will be my legacy. I have always looked at others lives and yes I'm thankful, things could always be worse. I'm thankful for having friends and family that love me and yes I do appreciate what I have and for what I have been able to do. I'm just tired. Tired of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. Tired of being sick, and I just want to wake up in the morning and if I don't feel like getting up, then I just want to be able to lay there and not be responsible for someone else. I have allot going on here during the week and I'm so Thankful for Wolf and Annie that I have a place to retreat to for 48 hours out of the week. Annie has opened her home to me, and I can pop in and just relax. Wolf makes me laugh and takes care of me. She shares her family and I need that so bad since mine have gone and the others live up north. Although Wolf's mother got me this morning. Cell rang at 7:30 saw it was her mom I was so tired I thought I would call back in a few minutes. Fell back to sleep and jumped up at 8:15, worried now because I had waited so long and I knew something had to be wrong. She starts out with, "I need you to come out here, the ceiling fell down and I need you to watch the little one while they cleaned up". I asked if anyone was hurt and she said NO that it was just a big mess. Well she had just said a few weeks ago about ceiling leaking. OH, inside my mind is racing. I had planned on taking someone to the grocery store, OK, they could wait until later. I thought, I'm out of gas but maybe I could borrow from her to put gas back in my car so I could get back home. I tell her I could work out everything here and would be there as quick as I could get there, then she said "April Fools"....UGH Then I threatened to do bad things to her. Lucky for her I still have a since of humor. Last year Wolf and I was ready for her and she did NOTHING, forgot all about it this year and she got me. So I have calmed down and instead of putting her in major pain, I will just put her in a small amount of pain. Wolf is also in trouble, because she told her to call and get me.

Well that was the highlight of my week. Except for Granny's post about what Rosie O'Donnell said about the republicans and Wolf's post about her friend screaming like a girl over a mouse, which I'm still laughing about, I could picture him doing this. Yes, I will pull up my Big Girl Panties and go on with life, even though I wish sometimes it would be over. Plus it is the weekend and I will bury my feelings and enjoy being with Wolf.

Everyone have a Great Weekend.

Fun Weekend

2010-03-29T12:17:00.000-05:00

Took off on my donkey, thank goodness it didn't rain. Met Wolf and Gnome1 at the dive. Wolf and Gnome1 did there usual play offs while I rested and watched the other people at the Dive. 3 games done in record time, Wolf didn't waste time taking Gnome1 down. I knew we didn't have a chance to beat her this weekend. We gave it the old college try. Wolf first game, Gnomes 2ND game and Wolf took the championship. That's OK, we play for fun and we will take another beating, next weekend. Left Dive, dropped Wolf at home while I ran to local store to get fixins for Hamburgers. Got back with supplies, Annie was home circling wanting to know when burgers would be ready. I told her in about 15 minutes, I was getting the side things ready, on her way out of kitchen she asked about the box of brownies on the counter. I knew this was Annie's favorite chocolate and I had brought them to make for her, she doesn't miss anything. I immediately got out bowl, turned on oven and started them baking. Wolf cooks fantastic food on the grill and the burgers were delicious. Brownies were good, Annie's belly was full and she disappeared back into her room with a plate full. Saturday Wolf rehired me. A few weeks ago I went to work with her and she showed me how to change somethings on puters and she went off to do her thing. Well Monday I got fired. ONE little mistake, I logged off one of the puters instead of shutting down. OOPS!. She even told them at work I was fired. Fine! When she mentioned she had to go in Saturday and this time work on ALL puters, Well one would think Lucy would sit quietly and not say a word, NO! she has to jump up and down with both arms in the air..I'll Help...I'll Help. So off we go. Now this is a big factory and it is like a maze. Well to my brain cells it is and I kept getting lost. Did great in the front offices, Wolf showed me what she needed, even turned on one of the puters so that I could watch Molly the Owl. Wrote everything down for me and turned me loose. This was great, I'm in front office, it is well lit and nobody is lurking in the corners. Then she opens door and we go out into the factory, not well lit, huge, with offices running down one wall. Well I already figure at least I won't get lost since the offices are all together in a row. Go into the first well lit office and Wolf shows me what to do, and then tells me she will be on the other side of my safe and secure door and will be leaving me out there all Alone. I look threw the big glass window of this office and see the scary factory staring back at me, I knew then my heart was going to get a work out. I don't know if you have ever been in a big building all alone, but you hear every noise, every creek of the ceiling, you see every shadow that is moving and there is always footsteps and I know they are footsteps of Jason, and Freddie of Nightmare on Elm Street fame and they are out there with there razor sharp hands and hockey mask, lurking to grab me. She leaves me. Finish first office, poke my head out of door, don't see anyone, run to next office, Whew they didn't get me. Finish poke head out run to next and I make it into the safety of the well lit office. Finish make it to the next but then I noticed the next 3 offices the lights were off which meant I didn't have to do those and I looked all the way down to the end and saw the last one, way down there in a corner, not only did I have to face the next empty offices but an open space on my right and to my left was the HUGE factory, with tables and sewing machines and tall shelves full of fabric. Giving my predators plenty of places to hide. Finish poke head out, it looks safe, heart starts beating faster and I take off, make it past the three dark offices, I refuse to look to my left at the factory, coming to the opening to my right, I hear footsteps and I start talking and I think Wolf is there, get to opening and nobody is there, dart past opening and fall into office, I'm safe. Sit down and finish my job. Reality hits me that I have a long long way to go to get to my safe door. Dread hits me and I poke head out and my safe door looks like it is a mile away from me. Slowly I step one foot out into the factory, immediately Jas and Fred start moving, then I move body out into the opening, footsteps start, shadows are moving, noises coming from everywhere. I start off at a slow pace, trying to peer into the dark areas where I know they are waiting, then I see them, they are across the factory, going the same direction and pace and I know they are heading to my safe door. My feet pick up speed, and I keep saying "feet Don't fail me NOW!". I'm at a slow run, hand reaching for the door, heart racing, Fred and Jas are keeping up with me, hand reaches out and I feel the cold knob in my hand, I turn knob, throw open door, now my feet are going to fast and a fly by Wolf who is standing there with the WTF look on her face. I put my brakes on turn around and when I finally pulled myself together I realize she is holding her sides laughing. She heard me coming, and she figured I had scared myself, do you think she would have opened the door to make sure I was OK, when she heard my feet flying down through the factory, NOOOO, she just stood there laughing. I could have been killed, Freddie would have slashed me with his razor hands and Jason would have picked up whatever was near, like a sewing machine and beat me to death. I tell her I finished the offices, she says No there is two more out in the factory. She see the look on my face and says she will go with,I agree to go. We go out there which is a good thing she is with me because now Fred and Jas decide to hide and she doesn't see them. Good thing she went with me. One office is directly in the forbidden area, totally dark except a flicker of light and she leaves me to go on and take care of other puter. After my hands stop shaking and I pull my brain together I finished and then realized she wasn't back, do I get up and see if she is a bloody mess somewhere or sit quietly where I was at so that F & J didn't hear me. I stayed and in a few she came back to get me. She had the balls to still be laughing at me, but we had our project finished and I was able to leave the Big Scary Place.

Rest of day went good, had time alone, which I enjoy. We were still up at 2:00a.m. and she became possessed. She played Trivia at TGIF for about 15years. Almost every day of the week. She was in the top three of the Trivia Games. I don't know if you have seen the commercial where someone is talking to someone else and they ask them a question and the person starts spewing out all this information from looking up to many answers on Google or puter. Well, I would say something and she would come out with the chorus or refrain or whatever it is called from songs. Example: I said "Hope it will be sunny tomorrow" Wolf "You are my sunshine my only Sunshine". Me "He didn't care about her" Wolf "RESPECT", Me"he was the only one she loved" Wolf "the only boy that could ever please her, was the sun of a preacher man" ETC,ETC,ETC. I know this was something you had to be there, but it was unbelievable how she could remember all of these songs and this went on till we went to bed at 3:30, I laid there trying not to talk, and we all know that is impossible for Lucy, because this continued and I couldn't find the off button, and I couldn't stop laughing and unfortunately I couldn't stop talking. Finally we both were exhausted and fell asleep.
OK, I guess I'm finished with the weekend. Sis is waiting for me to have lunch. Everyone have a Great Day.

JERKS OF THE WORLD

2010-03-26T13:21:00.001-05:00

It is Friday. Yippee! I have been trying all morning to get packed and ready to ride my donkey out of here, but I can't stop watching Molly. She is so fantastic. Someone set up a Barn Owl Nesting box with cameras. Infra red and a regular camera. Mom named Molly and Dad named Mcgee are proud parents of 3 babies so far and maybe two more on the way. It is so cool to watch them. Mom is staying in the box and Dad goes hunting. When I got up this morning and saw McGee had brought in Bugs Bunny I didn't think I would be able to watch mom feed her babies. Well when she finally got around to eating Bugs I watched. It was so fascinating to see her pull big chunks off for her, fur and all and then pull teeny, tiny bites for her babies. You could see their little heads poke out from under her. She kept her wings spread so that they would stay protected from the cold. Just now she stood up to clean herself and it was cool to see her huge claws, they are capable of killing, yet so gentle around her kids. I love to listen to the peeping. Trying to figure out how I can ride my donkey and get internet at the same time so I can still watch them. WHY IS THERE ALWAYS ASSHOLES in this world. They have a running chat section next to Molly's cam. Someone keeps running spam, saying horrible things, and go to heavens something or other. Why do they get enjoyment out of trying to ruin something so neat. Once again I DON'T understand humans. Oh well I will need to get ready for my destination. It is cold outside today, so I had to rethink what I was going to wear.

Sis just came over for lunch,and left after her belly was full. It's OK because she was going to town to put money in my bank for me. I don't know what I would do without her. She is allot of help and we only have each other to depend on. Neither of us had kids to use as our servants. Now I'm sort of feeling guilty for picking on her when she was a kid. NOT! I would do it again. Mom waited long time between each kid. We are 8 years apart. Brother was 8 years older than me. She must have had a lot of thinking to do about having another kid. All though one of my cousins said I was an accident. Little sis was because of my step dad. That is OK, Mom loved us but she said if she had it to do again she never would of had kids. That sounds bad, but she was a worrier and was always scared of our future. Plus it was so hard on her with my brother being so sick. Back to picking on each other, I had to do it. I had to pass down what my brother dished out to me. One time he put his Devils costume in my closet, I almost had a heart attack when I opened the door. He asked me if I wanted to be hog tied, I said yes and he did and he left me laying in the middle of the floor. He knew mom would be home soon. Still can't figure out why she asked, What are you doing, it should have been clear to her that I was all tied up and she should have known who did it. When he got a convertible, I fell in love with it. He would say if you wash my car I will take you for a ride. I would jump right on washing the car and then he would just take me around the block, but I was young and that seemed just fantastic to me. Anyway he was always there to protect me, so that made up for it. I think part of the things he did to me was because he was born and lived down here till he was six and my parents moved to the north. So I think the teasing and picking is a southern thing. My uncles were just as bad, sometimes I wondered how I made it to my teens, and I remember Mom telling me the stories about her growing up down here with her Dad and uncles. Not that it is bad, most of my best memories from my childhood is the picking and teasing. Everybody is gone now and I miss all the fun and laughter, oh well, life goes on.

Well I better finish getting ready. Everyone have a Great Weekend.

Rainy Yucky Day!

2010-03-25T17:59:00.004-05:00

Water has been pouring down all day. No sun, No fun, just Yuck. Would have loved to stayed in bed with covers over my head, but had to go and take someone to doctor today. Finally home and the recliner looks so inviting, think I will sit down and put my feet up. I have two little dogs, they are sisters. Shih Tzus and Pekingese, I call them Pick a Shits. Meagan is smaller than her sister Molly and they are both spoiled rotten. As soon as I sit down in recliner or lay down in bed, Meagan starts doing a pick me up dance. If I'm laying in bed on my back she thinks she has to come up and lay down on my chest, and yes I let her, and I cover her up, and only her little head is sticking out. Then we both go to sleep. Molly tries to lay up there with us but Meagan growls at her until she gets off the bed. So when I get up I have to pay attention to Molly, I can't show favoritism. Why is it that little dogs and short people always have an attitude. I guess they think they have to have some sort of control over the giants around them. Yes I'm short but I don't think I have a tude, well maybe just a little one.
After nap I need to finish getting ready to get out of town for the weekend. Weekdays are no fun for me and I look forward to getting on my donkey and riding out of town.
I was sent this link today and I love it. If I had life to do over I would either work in a zoo or something to do with animals. http://www.ustream.tv/theowlbox, it is really cool. I have a Red tail Hawk that lives in my woods and I love watching her fly over my house. The sound they make is so cool. Sorry I'm not good with cutting and pasting etc. That is my next project, to learn how to put pictures and sights on to my blog. So be patient. Sometimes it does take and old dog to learn a new trick, but I will learn. A few months ago I was sitting on my front porch. Playing a game I had on my phone and smoking. Porch is screened in and I was sitting very still and quiet. I had a feeling something was watching me and when I looked up, whatever was on the other side of the screen door jumped and made me jump. It ran down the ramp and stopped, turned around and stared at me. It was a beautiful red fox. We just sat there looking at each other. It start looking around and kept looking up to watch me, I never moved a hair on my body. It finally walked away slowly and kept looking back. I was so excited. Animals, Birds, Butterflies are the most beautiful creatures. I love the chickadees. If you spend time by your feeders and it is winter time they will land in your hand. You have to place seed in you hand and don't move a muscle. I loved doing that, and the beautiful monarchs will also land on your hand if you approach them real slow. It is cool watching there little tongue or (whatever that is) flick out and touch you.
Well I'm read for a nap, well maybe a 10 minute one. If I sleep to long at this late of time, I will never sleep tonight.
Have a Good Evening.

Oh What A Beautiful Day!

2010-03-24T18:57:00.000-05:00

Well the sun is out and the temp is where I like it. Not to hot and not to cold. Between 60 and 70 mmmmm. Feeling better today and Friday will be here soon. Already packing my stuff for the weekend. Just folded jeans, and undies for Wolf. WooHoo! She left some of her clothes in my bag after last weekend. I had to go to town and pay some bills and now I'm waiting to go back to town. Have to take someone to the store. I was going to put my feelings on the new Health Bill on facebook but lost my umph. So I will put my feelings here on my Blog. I think the last president wasted 8 years and nobody said a word about our country going down the tubes. He was trying to finish Daddies war, he pretended our people were his own personal toy soldiers to play with. We can't win this war. Those people are nuts and they are everywhere. It isn't like going into a country where the people we are fighting are all in one place. They are everywhere. Like Vietnam, or Korea the people were in there own country. He spent the rest of his time making himself and his buddies rich. Oil people, people who make the tanks and bullets. He did nothing to stop the rising cost of insurance or drugs. Republicans owned the House and Senate and if they wanted to make our country better, then it should of happened on there watch. He couldn't even stop the illegal aliens from coming into his own state. I'm not so much on guns, unless we can control the ones using them. I worked for a finance company and we were robbed twice. Not fun looking down a double barrel shot gun twice in one month. Ask the mothers who are loosing their babies in schools from children carrying guns. I rented out part of my house up north and my 30 year old male renter blew his brains out because of a fight with his girlfriend. Not fun having your home that was in your family for over 30 years, splattered with blood everywhere, and people coming in that looked like they were ready to walk on the moon with all of the plastic that covered them from head to toe so that they could tear up your carpet and paint you blood splattered walls. Or opening your door to your 70 year old neighbor to find him waving a gun at you and threatening to kill you. So ask me and others who have lost someone to the violence of a gun how they feel about these people having the rights to carry one. I owned a beautiful gun collection when I moved here, but I was broke and had to sell all of them. I don't know what the answer is to having guns. I think the laws need to be stricter. Example a kid gets his parents gun and harms someone, then the parents need to go to jail immediately for not having the gun locked in a vault. I guess it seems strange that the republicans fight for gun laws but they don't want abortion. I don't know, I guess I think they look at it as it is OK to shoot someone but not kill a fetus. Yes and a part of me doesn't agree with abortion. It should not be used as a birth control. There is to many things on the market to prevent pregnancy and when a woman is on her second or more abortions, then this is wrong. Back to the Health Bill issue. I have always been in the middle class income with no children. Thanks to Reagan I lost all of my tax breaks and all I do is pay taxes and never get any back. This Bill is suppose to hit only the 200,000 bracket and I'm a long way from it. The rich find every loop hole not to pay taxes or get refunds and the poor doesn't pay taxes so it is about time the middle income gets a break. I think Palin is an embarrassment to women. Every time she opens her mouth she makes us look like a dumb bimbo, and sets us back a 100 years. Yes and I wish Bidden would keep his mouth shut also. That will teach Obama for not getting an intelligent female vice president. OK, hope I didn't piss anybody off. Like I said in my profile, I welcome your opinion but yes I have my own. I guess I have gotten my political views out of my system and can go on to something else. I'm finished blogging for now, have a good evening.

Will the Pain Ever Go Away?

2010-03-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

Today is the anniversary of my Mothers passing. I can't believe it has been 17 years. I have to admit when I think about her now and the age she would be, (83), I think it would have been very hard to watch her grow old. She was beautiful. Strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, and a smile that lit up a room. Everyone that new her loved her. I counted how many people came to her visitation and it was close to 300 people. Well the ones that signed her book. The day we buried her the cars were lined up behind us, it seemed like a mile. I'm from the north and I give the south credit for the respect they give to the passing. Cars pull over and wait till you pass by and we went by a baseball field where they were playing ball. Every boy there stopped and faced us and took off there caps. She was born and raised here. When I was little things were pretty calm between us even though she had a special belt. NO I don't hate her for that, she never used it very much and only gave you about 3 hits, but that was enough to make you think about doing something wrong the next time. I think now that allot of the kids should of had a parent that had a special belt. Anyway, my teen years were rough. Mom came from a total different environment growing up and we had some rough times, but it was strange after I turned 21 and was married, she all of a sudden didn't seem so bad. We became friends and there wasn't many days in a week that I didn't call her or stop and visit. She loved everyone and she would go out of her way to help anybody that needed her. My Grandmother lived with us off and on most of my life. Her and Grandpa would move up there with us and then move back down here. When Grandpa died she moved up there with us. My sister and her husband decided to move down her because jobs had gotten so hard to find up there, and then my Grandmother decided to move back down here and my Mom was in a hard place, trying to decide where she should be. Even though it was hard on me about her and my stepdad moving, I sort of pushed for it because they wouldn't quit working and I wanted them to relax and enjoy life. It is beautiful here and I new they would relax and enjoy life more here than up there, so they moved. The first three Christmas's they would call. Everyone would take their turn talking to them and I always waited, and I would be the last to talk. I would first talk to my StepDad and then my Mom would get on the phone. Total silence on both ends, I couldn't say a word and neither could she and we would just hang up and I would go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Finally about the fourth Christmas we were able to talk, well at least till we were ready to hang up and we would both start boo whooing and just hang up. I was cleaning houses so I could come down here as much as I wanted and I did. Christmas of 1992 we decided to come down and surprise her. We had never been here for the holiday and I couldn't wait. We had bought her a bird. She had never had a pet. I had three birds and every time I told her about them she would get all excited and say she wanted one. So off we went with bird in cage. She was in bathroom getting dressed when I walked in and almost fainted. It was a great Christmas, and she loved her bird. It was a female Cockatoo and she named her Pretty Bird. Not to original but that was OK. When we got ready to leave Mom and I started our usual crying, and I said I would be back in March. I had decided to travel alone and my Mother had a fit. I told her I was coming by myself and she was to tell EVERYONE that they were not to call her the week I was there to visit. My mom ran people all the time to doctors etc. and even when I was there to visit, which upset me because it cut into my time with my Mother. She agreed but didn't want me to come by myself so I called a cousin and asked her to come with me. She had a son that lived in the neighboring state and she could go visit him. I told mom to make sure she told her son that he was to be there on the day of our arrival and pick up his mother. I was determined to have her all to myself. Well the day we were suppose to leave I noticed my dog was sick, and by the time I took him to the vet and was ready to leave it was late afternoon. Went to pick up cousin (she wasn't quit all with it mentally) but she had decided not to go. Said ok, no problem, stopped back at home (this was before cell phones) and called mom and said I was still leaving right now, which she had a fit because it was so late and I would be driving at night. OK, I promised I would stop halfway and stay with one of our friends. She had been friends with my mom since I was a baby. So mom agreed. Got on road and stayed over. Finally get to Mom's and she had dinner waiting, my sister came over to join us. I was alright with my sister spending time with us, plus I knew she had to work so it wouldn't be all the time. It was a great week. One of the best times my Mom and I had together. Nobody called her this week, and I also told my Grandmother who lived near by that I was spending time with Mom, and she was ok with it. On Saturday Mom, Sis and I were suppose to go to mall but Sis got tied up with a meeting. Inside I was glad. We ran all over the Mall. Stopped to eat. Mom carried hot peppers and onions in her purse all of the time. She couldn't eat without them. She did her usual of trying to get me to take a bite of her sandwich, and I knew a whole pepper was sitting in there to attack me so I did my usual NO. Day was almost over and there was a store I wanted to go to and there was one that she wanted to go back to. So we split up. Her store was downstairs and I was sitting next to escalator (which had stopped) and she had to walk up them, normally that wouldn't have been a problem because she walked allot, but she looked bad when she got to the top. She promised me she would go to the doctor. I still regret that I didn't make her go Monday before I left. That night she went and brought out all of her free stuff that she would get from her makeup companies. You know Estee Lauder etc. I went through and picked out what I wanted. She said something about her face being old. She was 67, and I remember touching her face, her skin was so soft and the only wrinkles she had was around her lips. We talked about that being strange since she had never smoked but she was the type that worried about everyone and I think it was just from worry. When she got up she sat down on couch and I put my head in her lap. That was always my favorite thing, even if I sat in another chair, she would pat the space next to her on the couch for me to come over and lay down. She would always stroke my hair, for some reason it always comforted me, and most of the time I would fall asleep. I would give anything if I knew then it would be the last time. Tuesday I was getting ready to leave, I always saved my mom last for the hug and kisses. When she hugged me we both did our usual and started to cry but I told her NO not this time, I was going to be back in about 3 weeks. I had a strange feeling come over me, she let go and didn't say anything and walked away, heading towards the living room. Again I wish I knew then that it would be my last hug from her because I would have never have let her go. I gave my Stepdad another hug and went out the door. When I got in van I always made a circle around because they would also be standing on the front porch waving Goodbye, but this time only my dad was standing there and that feeling came over me again, just strange and sad but I had to get on the road. I stopped back at our friends to spend the night and called mom to tell her I was there and everything seemed fine. Got home on Wednesday. Thursday night we went to our friends for dinner. At 6:30 the phone rang and it was another one of our friends that finally had located where we were, I was taking something out of the oven and I hit the top rack with my hand, when I looked down I had burned my hand and I thought about my mom. She always was burning herself when she cooked and there was a burn scar on her hand in the exact place. I took the phone and my friend said to call my sister immediately, something about a stroke, I thought it was my Grandmother. Friend gave me number and I called my sister and she said it was Mom. She had an aneurysm in her head and it broke. The November before this her sister, who was living on my mom's property had the same thing happen and she died. My sister said that our Dad and her didn't want to put her on a machine but it was up to me. If I didn't want that to happen they would let the doctors hook her up. We went home. My friend was there waiting and I called my cousin who was close to our family and my niece. I remember I went outside and my dogs were in there kennels. We had a huge male Newfoundland and he was so sweet and always seemed to know when I was hurting. I sat down on the ground and he put his big head on my shoulder. I remember screaming for God not to take her, I needed her more than he did, Please let her live. I knew I had to call my sister back with a decision. My Mom believed so much in a heaven and I knew she couldn't wait to get there, and if I had them hook her up I was afraid she would hate me for delaying her trip to heaven. I also knew if I didn't hook her up that her body would be cold when I got there and I wanted to hold her one more time. Damn I wish I was selfish, I called my sister and told her to let her go and I would be there as quick as I could be there. I know I should be happy that we had the best time of our lives together the week before, but it wasn't enough. As I said in an earlier post, I did think about suicide, I couldn't deal with the pain. It still hurts so bad. She was the only one that ever just would hold me, and I always felt so much comfort in her arms. I Still Miss You Mom With All MY Heart.

I have to add this, One of the reasons I love Wolf so much is the comfort she gives me, I know we have fights and some mean things are said, but when it's over she wraps her arms around me and holds me. I also thank her for doing this, I guess I'm someone who finds so much comfort in being held and I also thank Mom and Wolf for giving me something I need.

A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!

2010-03-21T19:29:00.001-05:00

Friday started off with me going to the Doc. Picked up Wolf and had Mexican for lunch. Stopped at store and picked up all of our liquid beverages for the weekend and packed them in ice. Then I headed to Wolf’s to wait for her to get off from work. Wolf gets home and we are ready to start our weekend. Off to the Dive to play darts was our first agenda. Our friend was there waiting for us and Wolf calls us gnomes, you know those little creatures with the pointed hat that you put in your yard as lawn ornaments, because we are both short. Friend will be Gnome1 and I will be Gnome2. We sat and chat for a few and then Gnome1 decides she is ready to take on Wolf. She doesn’t have a chance. Wolf goes right in for the kill. Gnome1 is a masochist and says she wants another came, silly girl. She comes out of the starting gate and it looks like she might have a chance, but Wolf gets that glint in her eyes and you know your time is about to end. Thump, thump, thump right into the bulls eyes went Wolf’s darts, game over. Does Gnome1 take her pointed little hat off in shame, NO, she decides to drag me into the blood bath. Gnome1 and I decide to change the rules and we are going to play two against Wolf. Wolf says in a brave voice, Bring it on, I will take you both down. Game is going great, it is the bottom of the ninth, No, that is football or is it baseball, whatever, Wolf and the Gnomes have everything closed but the bulls. Gnomes have Wolf beat in points, Gnomes 192 points and Wolf 20 points. Gnomes think they might have a chance. Wolf immediately closes her bulls, and now each time she hits one, it will be 25 points. Gnomes get their first bull and that is all it takes for Wolf to taste smell blood. All it takes is about 2 minutes and she has caught up with the Gnomes and then throws that final bull to finish them off. I wanted to end the massacre right then, but NOOO, Gnome1 has to jump up and down for another game. It is sad enough that we lose one on one but it is pathetic that we lose playing two of us against her. Ok, game begins. I know that I have to get my total concentration going if we are to beat her. I have attention span of a Gnat. All it takes is something shiny or noise to get my eyes off the dartboard and off goes my dart. One time my dart went off to the left, hitting a guy in the back of the leg, 4 boards down from us. OOPS! Game begins, Wolf is fighting hard to beat us, but the Gnomes rally and we take her down. Yippee! I wanted it do be done, over, call it even, But NOOOO, they want a play off. OH, don’t they realize how much it hurts my brain to concentrate, but I give in and agree. Games begins, Gnomes are playing sloppy but we hang in there, finally getting it down to the bulls, Wolf starts licking her lips and knows it will be over soon. She will have her Victory. I walk up, block everybody out of my brain, dart flies threw the air, land right in the red dot. Wolf’s eyes get that familiar glint in them and I know she is about to slaughter us, but NO she misses. Gnome 2 steps up aims and hits the green……..Gnomes Win, Gnomes Win…. YIPPEE! Games are over and off goes Wolf and Gnome2 for the rest of there weekend adventure.

Off to Wolf’s Dad’s for the night. We have about an hour drive to his place. We can’t wait to get there because he spoils us. I had sent an email the night before, sort of begging, no I asked nicely, “it would be nice to have a fire.” Last year on one of our visits, Wolf and I talked to him about enjoying fires, hot dogs and smores. On our next trip to visit him, he had bought a fire pit, hot dogs and the makings for smores. He is so sweet. Wolf has to stop at ATM, gets out of van, and I call her Dad to let him know we are on our way and that we are stopping for chicken and would be in there in a few. He says great and be careful and I’m sitting here by the fire waiting for you. Wolf gets in the van and I floor it. She is hanging on to her seat belt and says, “what is going on?”. All I can get out is fire and we have to hurry up and get there to your Dad’s. Luckily she knows me well enough and understands my craziness. We get on interstate and I ask her what is the speed limit, (she should have lied and told me that it was only 55), but she says 70 and that is all I have to hear. Foot smashes pedal and off we go. Now Wolf’s knuckles are turning white from hanging on to the seat belt. The next thing I hear is Chicken, as I’m flying by and I throw on brakes and go sliding into the drive up window. Grab our chicken and off we go. I don’t know what I was thinking. Maybe he would run out of wood, or it was going to be about 9p.m. by the time we got there and he would drown the fire and go to bed. I don’t know but the only thing on my tiny brain was, FIRE!, have to get there. Finally, I see his road, make my turn and there is the Fire and he is sitting there patiently waiting for us to arrive. We jump out, unload the liquid refreshments and plop down in front of the fire. AHHH, I’m very, very, happy. We sit in front of fire enjoying good conversation and fried chicken. D mentions he has marshmallows, Wolf says she is sleeping while I make her pancakes in the morning. D says he has pancake mix and he had a recipe to make homemade dough for fried pies, plus chocolate and peaches and apples to make filling, and yes he plans on making all of this tomorrow after breakfast, then goes inside to answer phone. Wolf starts in right away about him spoiling me. I said I didn’t know what she was talking about,”fire, marshmallows, chocolate fried pies.” I said Yep and I will bet you right now that the pancake griddle will be on the counter to make her pancakes, especially for her. Sky was full of stars, temperature was perfect for a fire. Everything would have been perfect except phone ringing every thirty minutes. This person knew we were there, She knew Wolf doesn't get a lot of time with her Dad and this person only did this to aggravate us, but we chose to ignore and have a great evening. D went to bed about midnight, and his parting words were to serve his breakfast in his bed, he said at least I didn't fill out a menu (that is what we did the last visit, a complete menu left on his bedroom door. Wolf and I hit sack at 2. Last words from Wolf was "Please serve my breakfast in bed in the morning." Goodnight. Well morning comes and Wolf pushes me out of bed and I stumble into kitchen, there sits the Griddle on the counter. D and I have a great conversation and then we start breakfast. I thought Wolf had gotten up but when I looked down hallway, she had just gotten up to go potty and closed the bedroom door. We are almost finished cooking and I asked D if he has a large cookie sheet, answer was yes. I take cookie sheet, put a place mat on it, silverware and then I start looking for some sort of flower. D says I have fresh Buttercups outside and a small vase in my bedroom. He goes running out door, goes to bedroom and comes back with vase and flowers. Fix her plate and coffee place it on tray and we start towards bedroom, I stop and I ask D, "would you like to carry in tray", his face lights up and says yes and takes the tray. Open door, turn on light and Wolf is buried under cover, now at this point I'm hoping Wolf will pop up head and say some bad words. D walks up to head of bed, Wolf's head pops up, sees her Dad with tray, I would have given anything to of had a camera. The look on her face was Priceless. That was a special moment between Father and Daughter. Wolf gets up and decides to join us at table for a delicious breakfast. Rest of visit was perfect, we laughed and talked and while I was in shower D and Wolf made the Fried Pies, and they were soooo good. Only bad thing happening was She(the one from the night before) started calling at 7:30 and continued calling about twice every hour. D finally had some words with her and she stopped calling, well at least till we were gone.

Left D about 3 and headed to Wolf's Mom's, Stayed there Saturday night and yes she spoils us also. Got there to dinner being placed on the table. Ham, white beans, corn, cornbread, and mashed potatoes. Delicious and yes I ate till I couldn't move. Her nephew whom she calls Spawn was helping PawPaw with floor replacement, so we played WII bowling and Pool with her Mom. Baby Sis got home about 7:30, stayed and visited and went over to Babysis's and Spawns house to spend the night. We were to watch the little one while she went to work in morning and parents could go to church. Once again Wolf gets to sleep in, which is OK. I got up and crawled in bed with him after his Mom left for work. Place my hand on his leg so that even if he breathed weird, I would be on Red Alert! He woke up and our day started. It wasn't bad, we crawled on the couch together and watched movies. Two movies I hadn't seen. UP, which was pretty good and something called Flushed, which was another Pixar. Fed him two bowls of Cherrios, which was simple, he says he is going to go and wake up Aunt Wolf, I naturally said "have at it". Got up in a few to check on Wolf and he had gone in the bedroom and turned her light on, I guess he figured that would be enough. Wolf gets up, I was doing something and I hear the little one calling me from the bathroom, from the time he was a baby, he knew that anything that has left his body is My job not Aunt Wolf's. This also OK, because anything physical like playing football, fixing vehicles was Aunt Wolf's job. Yes he had left a load, off the toilet he goes, down goes head and up goes butt, I thought I was going to crack up. OK everything clean and off we go to pack up, go over to his grand parents, and we have lunch waiting for her parents when they get home from church. Well reality hits that weekend is over and back to the real world. We load up van and head home. Unload at Wolf's, kiss and hugs and then off I go, back to this World where I will check off the days while I wait for the weekend to come back. Thank you Wolf for sharing your family with me.

It's Friday! Yippee

2010-03-19T08:00:00.002-05:00

Friday is finally here,I spend all day Thursday to pack up, get ready and out of town I go. I get to see my favorite person Wolf. This weekend we are getting out of here to go to her family. Will visit her Dad tonight. Has a beautiful place on the river and he spoils us. Hope it is nice enough to fish down by the river, I'm sure they are excited about baiting my hook and removing my fish. I even feel sorry for the fish and when we have gone fishing before I have to fight the urge not to throw the fish back into river. Annie has gone fishing with us before and she loves to pick at me with the catfish. I didn't know they made a sound and it breaks my heart, so she holds the catfish up and makes it talk to me. Also, the brim loves to pee and she will squeeze it to make pee go everywhere. I had bought Wolf a zippo lighter with a wolf done on scrimshaw. She went to light a cig and almost dropped the lighter in the river. She said a good thing it didn't go overboard because she would have had to thrown me in to retrieve the lighter. When we would finish fishing they would stay down by river and her Dad would clean all the fish for us. I would go up to the house and visit with her Step Mom. I miss her even though she told Wolf I talk allot. I never noticed I have that problem. Anyway, on Saturday we will go over to her moms and we get to play with the Spawn as she calls him. Sunday Baby Sis will go to work, and I will crawl back in bed with him till he wakes up. Last time I got accused of sending him into Wolf's bedroom and poking her, and telling her to get up. She started fussing at me later and I didn't know what she was talking about. When she found out that he did that all on his own, (on one of his trips to get a toy for us playing in the living room), without any direction from me, she was sooo proud of him for already learning to Pick. Even though it was directed at her. So, it will be a Great Weekend. OK, off to shower and take off. I have to go to doc this morning before I start my weekend of fun. Wish me luck that us gnomes (that is what Wolf calls my friend and I, she thinks we are short) will beat Wolf tonight at darts (we are stopping at the Dive first and then we will be on our way). We both play against her now and it is so sad that we still lose to her. The other gnome and I are terrible with hitting the bulls eye and that is where she takes us down and then does her Happy Dance. That is so rude. lol I hope everyone has a great weekend. Byeeee

A Day In Paradise Part II

2010-03-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

I have a short memory span, and I felt a need to put this out there, Now.
I was getting ready to fix dinner. I opened the fridge looking for my eggs. I picked up eggs and I thought to myself "I hope the eggs are still good" and then I looked at the expiration date and yes my eggs had not expired. As I was closing the door I heard an evil, wicked laughing sound in my head. I stopped and I thought who is that in my head with her evil laugh. I listened closely and I recognized the familiar evil laugh. I then said Oh evil one with the wicked laugh why are you laughing at me now. Then I looked down at the eggs in my hand and then I remember thinking about my eggs still being good and they hadn't expired. The wicked She Devil only laughed that much louder. I need not mention any names but the She Devil knows who she is, laughing in my head.

Another Day In Paradise

2010-03-16T16:10:00.001-05:00

I usually blame Monday's for all my screw ups, and please no comments, I know it is usually 7 days a week with me. I was suppose to go for a stress test today. I normally mess up my meds and test because I don't read exactly what the instructions tell me. So this time I was determined to get it right. I carefully read instructions on how to wean off of my blood pressure medicine. So proud of myself because I had done exactly what the instructions told me to do. 1:00a.m. I decide to check instructions once again to make sure and oops I forgot (even though the nurse made sure she told me this in the office) that I was NOT to have caffeine, decaff, or chocolate 24 hours before the test. I was reading this while I was drinking a big glass of diet coke after having a bite size Heath Bar. The sad part is I did the same thing with my last test. They went ahead with it but wasn't able to finish test, because they forgot to tell me not to take my blood pressure medicine. Well the doctor nearly killed me with trying to get my heart rate up. When I started gasping for air and turning the shade of a fire engine, he decided to call off the test. Well I got up at 6 to get ready and I was sick, nooo I wasn't faking, I have been battling a chest cold or something and I decide so much was going wrong so I canceled. So I decided to check my checkbook and low and behold I was $50.00 short on my checks that would be coming back tonight. Called Sis immediately and she had the money I could borrow till to tomorrow. Got my bills together to pay and got bills ready to mail out. Filled out deposit slip and I was ready and totally prepared for my adventure to town. Make the turn onto the street with the mail box and grabbed my mail, pulled up to box, and as my hand is letting go of the mail I realize it is my bank deposit. As it is falling into the box I'm screaming "OH SHIT". I looked down next to me and there laid my mail, and it was laughing at me. Now what do I do. I go around the block, walk sheepishly into Post Office and stand there, last one in line, I start praying PLEASE don't let anyone come in behind me. This way only the people in the post office will laugh at me. Well as usual my prayers weren't answered and I think everyone in town decided they had to mail something. So I get up to the counter and I'm whispering and Oh yes he was deaf. Took a deep breath and proceeded to tell him (a little louder) I mailed my bank deposit, could he PLEASE help me. It was cash and I had to have it back. Well it only took one person to snicker and the rest of the impolite line joined in and I could tell my face was bright red. I should have started coughing and tell them I had the plaque and that my face was red from a 100degree fever and say "How do you like me now". Turned back to the Post Master or whatever you call them and he was trying to be polite and control his laughter but he finally gave in and when he stopped he said it would be OK, he would send someone out with me to open the box. I said a very polite Thank you, gave a glare at the rude people behind me and left with my head held high. Crawled back into my van and then went to bank, and handed her my deposit like nothing and happened and I did make it before 2:00. The sad part about this, I have done that before. Was going into a store, mailbox and garbage cans were outside the store. Had trash in one hand and mail in the other. As I walked away I realized something was wrong. I walked back to garbage can, pulled off the lid and there laid my mail, which means I mailed my garbage. I hoped I had nothing in the garbage with my name or address. So I dropped my mail in and walked away like I hadn't done anything wrong, and hoped there wasn't cameras hanging on the walls. Oh well, I couldn't even blame this on a Monday. Everyone can rest easily, I did make it home in on piece without another catastrophe. In my last blog I forgot something. We not only left restaurant without paying but almost had to pull Wolf back into the moving vehicle when she remembered the half of a bloodmary that she left on the bar top. She whined all the way to hospital. While we were all in the delivery room holding Baby Sis's hand she started having blood pressure problems which also caused problems to the baby. On went the oxygen mask. Everything would get under control and off came the mask and out Wolf and I would go to have a cig. Walk back in and on was the Mask, this kept going on every time we walked out so we finally gave up the smoking except the last one we went out for and that is when I almost missed the delivery. Also, while I was in the delivery room and baby was coming, Wolf was outside pacing, smoking and puking. This is the person that everyone thinks she is such Hard Ass. Now Baby Nephew only has to say Aunt Wolfie and she becomes a Big Kitty. Well day is almost gone and hopefully it will be a quiet evening. Later

IT IS MONDAY MORNING!

2010-03-15T10:48:00.002-05:00

It's Monday morning and the weekend of time change where we lose an hour of sleep, and there is NO sunshine. MY favorite day of the week and MY favorite time of the year. NOT! I hate Mondays because it is a start of a new week and I live for the weekends. One of my favorite things is to sleep, so Don't take an hour away from me. It will take me another month to wake up. Well! I was told this weekend by one person that I love and another that I'm working on, to love, that I can't spell. If anybody can tell me where the spell check is on my Blog I will learn to love them, too. When I hit EDIT HTML my ABC is a strike through, once again Lucy is probably the only one in the country with this problem. OK, off to another subject. One more thing about my D and this will also be the start of this blog. I always wanted children. One day I was at store and pushing D in buggy. Woman was pushing her newborn baby in another buggy, passing by us. Naturally I peeked inside and my heart melted, as it always did when I saw a baby, especially a newborn, which is my favorite. I know people say at that age all they do is eat, sleep, cry and poop. You have to admit that they are this beautiful, tiny little life form, and it is so fasinating that something the size of the watermelon could pass thru an opening the size of a quarter, maybe alittle bigger. Plus when you lay them down and leave them, they are in the same spot where you left them, love that. Well I started doing what I always did when I would see a baby, and I would start crying inside and whinning inside,Why me, Why me oh God, or Universe or Goddess or whatever one believes in. Why not me, all I wanted was children, that was the most important thing in my life, that I wanted. Then I heard movement in my buggy and when I looked down, D was looking up at me like a little angel with a big smile on his face. I knew right then Why no children. If I had a child I would had not been here for him. I thought about it for a minute while he was looking at me and I told him he was worth me not having a child of my own. I don't think I could have loved a child more than I do him and even if I didn't deliver him or carry him in my belly for 9 months, he still was mine. I think that was the first time I ever got a direct answer on my whinning, of Why. Ok, still have to whine alittle. I know women out there who have gone threw morning sickness, hormone changes, body growing 5 times it size, hemorrhoids, discomfort, mood changes, feeling like their body was being split wide open (did I miss anything) well they will think I'm nuts, but I still miss not going through all of that and getting to see a child being born. Well, almost 4 years (I can't believe that much time has gone by) ago my best friends sister took care of that for me. She was nice enough to put herself through all the discomforts of the above issues, but I got to see her baby being born. That was so sweet of her. Well Wolf and I started pacing weeks in advance like expectant parents. We got all of our ducks in a row, her mom would call her and Wolf would call me. We were at one of our favorite hangouts and got the call, we always laughed at movies when the expectant dad would run out with out the expectant mother and thought they were just stupid. Well we ran out without paying our bill, jumped in the car fumbled for the keys and then tried to remember how to get to hospital. We had laid this plan out a thousand times. Finally get there, run into the elevator I'm pushing the button, I start going nuts because elevator isn't moving, Wolf looks down and I'm pushing the button next to the button that tells you to push the close door button. We finally get that starightened out and fall out elevator door, find the family and all this rushing was to stop and wait. I'm a very patient person on some things, and on the things I'm not patient, well we won't go there. Naturally there has to be some drama, heaven forbid you can get through life without some sort of drama. It had to do with the mom and baby and blood pressure. Wolf and I are maintaining our worry, her mom is showing her worry, but everything got straightened out and we went back to pacing, waiting for our nephew. I think Wolf and I left to have cig, can't remember that part, but when we got back the nurse was all excited and saying whoever was suppose to be in there had better get in there now. It had been decided on the granny, and the expecatant dad, and ME. YIPPEE! I was so excited and I was so thankful to Wolf that she let me be the one to go in, she said she wouldn't be able to handle all the mess and there were certain things about her sister that she never wanted to see.lol I think she could have handled it but she knew how much this mean't to me. I THANK YOU again Wolf. I won't go through all the details but once the doctor said he could see the head, I couldn't take my eyes off of the baby pushing his little way out into this big world. I could not believe that a little life form was coming out of her. I kept holding my breath when she pushed, I heard the doctor say breath, for a minute I thought he was talking to me. Nurse kept telling her to focus and push so she focused on a cheeseburger and mountain dew. Well all of a sudden out pops this wet, slimy, (poor mom, he had a large head, and full of hair) mess. I thought he was beautiful and his granny and I just stood there sobbing and holding each other. Well naturally we followed the nurse to the clean up table, doc was doing something and the poor mother was laying there spread wide open and saying "someone, anyone, I'm over here". It was like his mom, He had a mom,? oh yes she was the mothership. I guess we felt sort of bad so we went back over to talk to her. I guess during the time she was pregnant we decide we had to be nice to the mothership and forgot about her once she delivered the baby ship. Well, all she could think about was getting her cheeseburger and mountain dew (or was it sundrop) and she almost ripped the dads arm off GO GET ME A CHEESEBURGER AND A MOUNTAIN DEW, he ran out of the room. It was so funny, naturally I won't let her live that one down. They finally got the mothership cleaned up and in came PawPaw and Auntie. Well I never saw Wolf's face light up like it did when she saw her Nephew. She always wants people to think she is this hard, bad person but that tiny little bundle made her melt. I thanked her again and I felt sort of bad that she let me instead of her, but she said she never wanted to see her sister's Who Who.lol I'm very grateful to her sister, it did help to take some of the pain away of not carrying a child, and sort of made me thankful of not having to feel like I was being ripped open. Well being the kind and thoughtful people that Wolf and I are, we have paid her back by filming Wolf, with a pillow stuffed in her shirt and dancing and pretending to dust to the music of BRICK HOUSE. A week before baby came and mothership was as big as house, we were there helping her clean and Wolf walked in on her dusting, dancing and swinging belly to that song. So, the next time we go to her house (hopefully this weekend) we will play it on the big big screen TV, and then run for the door, being the cowards that we are. Movie now showing at Rainbowwolf.blogspot.com. I would transfere it here but I haven't learned how to put pics on here. Ok, It is Monday and it is bill sorting day of what can be paid this week. So I better get off of here and face the music. Later

Finishing Blog Below Doors Opening and Closing

2010-03-10T15:53:00.000-06:00

D's favortie things was lights, fans (ceiling,etc), and balloons. He never played with toys. His one favorite doll that he carried everywhere (his mom went out and bought 4 etc. so he wouldn't run out of it) was his Bart Simpson Doll. I signed him up for Handicapped bowling. There were kids with all kinds of problems, and he enjoyed it. We went on Saturdays. They make a special wire ramp so that all we had to do was place the ball at the top and the kids just had to push the ball and off it went. D couldn't make alot of sounds but he had a laugh that would light my heart up. So I did everything I could to make him laugh and took him to everything I could think of that I thought he would enjoy. We bowled for about 4yrs and he won trophies and patches which I have in a special box. We had been bowling about 2 months and one of the mothers was talking to him, I had to tell her he couldn't hear (we were never sure if he was deaf or if it was the autisim) she looked at me sort of funny and said "she thought he could hear because I was always taking to him." Nope I treat him like he dosen't have any problems, I didn't tell her that I just love to talk. He loved camping. One of my friends bought a campground about 2hrs from where I lived, which was cool because we had alot of our friends that would come there also for the weekends. It was on a river. He loved the campfires. I would put him in my lap and we would sit there for hours, everytime sparks would fly when someone would poke the fire and it would make him laugh and his little hands go ninety miles an hour in the air with excitement. The campground had the big truck tire inner tubes and we would all pile into them (naturally tieing an extra one to us that had the cooler). D would sit on my stomach and he would laugh all the way down the river. D's mom's mother n law asked one weekend where did I take D this weekend. She said camping and about now he is floating down the river. She almost had a fit on that answer. I saw where they were having a HotAir Balloons going off in Wisconsin so I packed him up and we went there, not knowing that we had to be there at the take off place by 5a.m. if we wanted to see them blow up and float. Well we were there and he loved it. I always borrowed his parents movie camera and was always filming everything we did,even when he would sit in my lap before bedtime and we would just talk and play in my recliner. He learned to drag his mom to the stack of films I had made of us and almost everyday he would pick one out and sit for hours just watching us. He was about 13 when my mom died and at the time she was living about 10hrs from me. 5 months later my grandma had a stroke who lived near my mom. I was making a trip down here (I live here now) about every other month because only my Dad was taking care of her. It was the hardiest decsion I ever made and that was to sale everything and move here. D's mom said he could come and see me on all his school breaks, they would meet me halfway and that he could stay here for the summer. With heavy heart I left and moved here. First trip here was in my van, D was behind me in the back seat and I heard him giggling. I looked in the side mirror to see paper going out the window and then he launched a whole roll of paper towels. When we got here he came into the house (my house is small and the windows are low to the ground) immediately got excited and went to every room. It was like he thought this place was made just for him. We had so much fun. I had a pick up truck (the neighbors cows would get in my yard) so I would put D in and strap him into the seat and take off, bouncing him all over the property while we chased the cow back home. I have a small section of woods and I would fly by the trees and he loved the branches hitting the windshield. My porch was screened in and my sister got him an old school desk, I would dress him every morning and within an hour he would strip down to his pullups and sit out there all day. Looking at old magazines etc. and he even would eat out there, and just sit there laughing. One night he was out there and I could hear his laughter, I went out to see what was going on and he was in the corner of the porch with his little head pressed against the screen and laughing so loud. I looked to see what he saw and it was the Lightening Bugs. I swear that I never saw so many, it was like they were there putting on a show just for him. The first summer that he quit coming here, I'm telling the truth, I didn't see one light up, it was as if they had gone away with him. Well summer was over so I didn't get to see him until spring break, I met his parents at the bottom of Indiana. When I walked into the the room she was on the bed and she was changing his pull-up. He jumped into my arms, wrapped his legs around his arms around my neck and put his head on my shoulders, and hugged me so tight. I still can feel his little arms. He wouldnt let go. His parents were going to pay for a room so I could stay and visit with them but he wouldn't let go of me so I told them to get his things and we would head back to my house. This went on for about 3 yrs. D could only see out of one eye and when he would get upset he would put his little hands together and hit himself in that eye. One day she called and said he had detached the retina and they were taking him to childrens hospital and because of his problems they were going to have to put him on a support system and sorta like put him in a sleep state for about 4 days. I ran up there. I never want to go back to a childrens hospital ever again. I could hardly stand it. All the little ones that were sick. When I walked in and saw my D with all the tubes and machines running out of him I thought I would have a break down right there. They said he wouldn't know we were there, but everytime I laughed his little body would try to lift up. The nurses said they couldn't believe it, they said he knew I was there. Well they did the surgery and it detached again and they tried one more time and it didn't work. The only thing my D had to enjoy was what he could see out of his one eye. So now the lights, balloons, watching our videos was over. I was so sorry that I was never able to afford to take him to Vegas and Disney World (they have the electric light parade at night) he would have loved all the bright lights. I then and now can hardly stand it. It isn't right that he lost his sight, he had enough problems without taking away the one enjoyment he had, I'm so bitter about it. I said that God is going to make me live for a 1000 years because he is not going to want to face me on that one. Now we had to teach him sign language in his hands, and he has learned. When D was about 7 his parents had another child, a little girl. D's mom was scared while she was pregnant. Docs had said they didn't think what D had was inherited. At that time they hadn't put a name to it. D's mom decided not to have the baby checked while she was in her womb, because she said she would not terminate it, so it was a wait and see. She was born normal and right after that the docs gave D the name of CHARGE and it is inherited. With D blind his mom was having a hard time with taking care of D and his sister. We talked about him coming to live with me but to my disappointment they decided it was two far for him to go, so he is now in a group home. We also had to make the decision that I couldn't see him and he couldn't come here anymore because he had to make the adjustment and it would only make it harder on him. I finally got to see him last year for the first time in about 3yrs, and I have been so sad. Yes he wanted to go home with me as soon as he knew I was there (they brought him home for the weekend). I still can't get his little eyes out of my head. His pupils are totally gone. His eyes are all white. I see them in my sleep sometimes and I reach out and hold him so tight. I worry so much that he thinks I have deserted him. I would much rather think he forgot me than him hurting as bad as I do inside. Anyway that Door has closed.

Doors Opening an Closing

2010-03-09T13:28:00.000-06:00

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I said when I look back at my life I see a door that opens and closes. People come in and then they leave. I guess the only satisfaction from this analogy is I see why I was placed here on earth. Not that I'm happy with the way my life has gone. She mentioned today about having 3 children and naturally my brain starts racing about my past. So once again I will tell another story. I promised not to digress on what I'm talking about, geez where is spell check. Also forgive me for some of the words I throw in, it is a bad habit and most of the time I use the wrong word and on here the bad spelling comes with it. Ok, I lost train again and I need to get back on the track. One of the Doors. I always wanted children, I love children. After high school I worked in an office. After about 5yrs (this was back in the old days when male showvenists ran rampent). I decided if one more male placed there work on my desk (because my work was finished) I would walk out. Yes he did and yes I walked out. We had decided to wait to have children so I decided I would start a daycare in my home. One of the little boys (just call him P) was two years old. I gave his mom alot of respect because his dad had walked out on them when he was born, and she worked hard to provide a nice home for them all by herself. I started keeping him overnight on Fridays so that she could have sometime to herself, and I refused to take money for any extra time I did this. I also did some babysitting for the people in the town next to us. They had money and I had to laugh because I always felt like they would make me feel quilty because they had to pay me and here was a mother that was struggling and I had to fight her about keeping her money. P became mine. I started taking him for the whole weekend and then I started taking him for camp outs and when I would go somewhere for a weeks vacation. About this time was when my brother paced away. Door closed and P opened another. Anway, I took care of him until he was 7 and he went to school in my district (he lived in a town next to me). Well they found out and then it would have been to expensive for his mom to pay to send him to our schools and to far for me to drive to her home. So that door closed. When he started full time school I had stopped sitting and started my own cleaning service. I became close friends with some of the families I worked for, and this one family I also became friends with their youngest daughter. She would come home for lunch and we would watch Ryan's hope together. I also found out that a natural born child in my life wasn't going to happen, so we had decided to adopt. Well my friend got married and within the year was pregnant. I couldn't wait for the baby. Finally it was time for the baby and her mom said she would call whenever it got here. I got the call, I was so excited but I could tell she was crying. Daughter was ok but baby had been rushed up to childrens hospital, he had been born with a cleft lip and palette. Nobody even had a chance to see him yet, not even his mother, she had a Csection and was knocked out when he was born. While he was in hospital they found out he had major birth defects. They eventually gave it a name. CHARGE. Cleft,whole in heart, autisim,G&E had something to do with spine. Here came my next Door opening. D came home and I remeber the first time I was going to get to see him. On the way to his home I was scared to death. I had been around handicapped adults but not a baby. Would I hurt him, would I not be able to control my emotions etc. I got there and knocked on the door and I heard his mom tell me to come in. When I walked in she was standing in living room holding the smallest bundle I had ever seen. I walked up and she placed him in my arms. When I looked down I saw the most handsome little boy that I had ever seen, and he was so tiny. He looked up at me with his little messed up face and he immediately crawled inside my heart and that is where he still lives. I knew then he was mine. Well his mom had been crying, she was so frustrated because she couldn't get him to eat. They had pulled down his lips and stitched them but he was to young to fix the palate so it was open and the milk was coming out through his nose. Plus with all these problems and with the fact that his mind didn't tell him to suck, you had to push on the bottle gently to get the milke out for him. I took the bottle and placed him on my breast holding him tight so that he felt secure and kept his head up so that when I gently squeezed the bottle he started getting the formula and then he feel asleep. I would stop by as often as I could to help plus I enjoyed every minute with him. Then I started to get them to go out one night on weekends and I would stay with him. They would come home and find me asleep on the couch and D sound asleep between my boobs. They were his pillows for most of his life. His parents were having a hard time getting him to go to sleep and they wished I could move in,but I couldn't so I was there as often as I could be. They couldn't get anyone else to take care of him not even his grandparents because they were afraid he would break, and he also had a problem until he was about 2 that his heart would stop beating and he would be rushed up to hospital. So it was even scary for me. Thank goodness the monitor only went off maybe 4 times during this period and it was when he was with his parents. I was soooo thankful for that one. The doctors couldn't tell us anything, if he was blind, could hear, would ever be able to walk so it was a wait and see. So I started taking him home with me on the weekends. It started as one night then both nights then I would keep him when I was off or on vacation, I would just take him with me. He never crawled, he would roll and it was so cute. He learned to go fast and we found out he could see because when he was heading towards something he would swing his little butt and go right around the object, and when I would stop to get him, he could be across the room and he would roll as fast as he could as soon as he would see me standing there. When he got older he would crawl up my body like alittle monkey and crawl into my arms. I would take him everywhere, out to dinner (even if we were going out with friends, they all love him)to church etc. It was funny with the little old ladies in church. D only wanted me to hold him so during church it was me that was up an down holding him (i'm catholic and there is alot of up and down)well the little ladies would get upset becasue they thought the person with me should help and would come down on him for not helping me, I had to explain why so they didn't hit him with an umbrells or cane. The sad part (and this made his mom cry) is her family (they had money and they thought they were the beautiful people and our little D wasn't perfect to them) so they were embarrassed by him. Not so much how he looked but I think by what he did, you know the sounds and certain ways he moved etc. Even his Dad was uncomfortable to take him out in public and D could feel this when they would go out so they had problems with him acting up. I don't know, I just ignored people starring (I couldn't see what they had to look at in the first place) it would make me sort of angry but D didn't know it so I just ignored them, if he did I would have let them have it right between the eyes for being so ignorant. My sis gave me a surpise 40th. I was always pulling things on people and nobody was able to get me, well she did, I had know idea when I saw all of my friends smashed into my house. I think there was about 40 people. Anyway, D was about 8 and all my friends had been around him from the begninning and he was at my party. My friends took turns playing with him and holding him so his parents were able to enjoy the party. The next day his mom called me crying, she said she would give anything if her friends and family would be like that with D. I remembered her telling my at functions that D would be there, she would spend most of her time taking care of D and nobody else would pay attention to him. I said my friends and family love him and it isn't that yours don't care it's just they don't know how to handle him. To us he is just another beautiful child. Well we didn't think he would ever walk but he learned to hold your hand and he would walk, it was wobbly but at least he was standing. One day (it was right after thanksgiving and he was about 4 or 5) she called me at her moms where I was cleaning. She scared me because she was crying and all excited and I thought D had gotten hurt, when I finally understood she was trying to tell me he was walking. I said I would be right there and threw down the phone. When I walked in back door I heard her tell me to stop and stay in the kitchen. On the way there I told myself not to get my hopes up that D would be like everyother child and not walk when I got there, well she came around the corner holding his hand and she then let go. He looked up and saw me and walked as fast as he could and then crawled up my body like he always did, all I could do was hold him and sob. Every parent out there knows the feelings when your child first learns to walk so can you imagine the emotion when your child walks and it is something that you think will never happen. All her mom and I could do was cry the next few months. Everyone got frustrated with me when they would ask what I wanted for xmas. I couldn't get it in their heads that I had just gotten the best xmas present that I would ever get my whole life and I wanted nothing else. D started in a special school and was being taught sign language. It was not quite normal sign language, it was based on what he could learn and yes there was another crying time when the first time he signed MOM TWO. Ok, well I guess I will stop with this post and continue later. My sister is coming for dinner and I think we will go see Alice, even though certain people are trying to ruin my image of Alice by saying it was drugs she was on and not that she had this cool imagination. Humph

Not a Good Day

2010-03-01T21:36:00.000-06:00

Today is 3yrs that my Stepdad passed away. 3/01/07. I feel sorta bad because I can remember the exact day he passed away and I can't remember the date when my real Dad passed away. My SDad raised me from the age of 5 and he was the one that would come home after work (he worked nights) and would find me sleeping on the couch. I was waiting for him to try and drum math into my head. He was a kind and gentle man. I only remember a few times that he actually got upset with me. My mom and him loved each other so much. She passed away before him and he left the bathrobe that she was wearing on his bed for about 12yrs, and that was when he died and my sister and I had to remove the robe. They were always kissing and she would always sit in his lap. Naturally we had to make all kinds of sounds when they would do such things in front of us children. I felt I was so lucky because alot of my friends had divorced parents and they never did get along with the X's. My Dad and him worked at the same plant and then I had my Dad move near us (we were living upstairs in my parents house) so that I could spend more time with him and they just got along. They cared alot about each other and never fought. Alot of my friends grew up being majorally screwed up with fighting parents. He was handsome. Coal black wavy hair and big brown eyes. After my Mom passed away his health went down hill so I took care of him till he died. I had a hard time at his funeral and one of his nieces said she was so sorry and she never realized how close him and I were to each other. I guess she had also seen alot of people who were never close to the Step Parents. Will I guess that was the reason she said what she did to me. I also felt like an orphan, he was the last of my parents, and I wanted him to stay here on earth with me. The day is almost over so maybe I will feel better tomorrow.
I miss you Dad and I send you all my Love.

Listening to Others

2010-02-22T12:03:00.000-06:00

The last few months has been an emotional rollercoaster. This last weekend was like heaven. It was spent with good friends and people I care about and we had a nice time. My elders have all passed away, and I'm lucky that my friend shares her family with me. We first went to visit her Dad. He has a beautiful home and it is on a beautiful piece of property. The whole place is just calming. Homes are not on top of each other and a beautiful river that is out his back door. So I can sit on his porch and listen to the water and watch my wildlife that I love so much. My family (when we would get together) loved to laugh and play tricks on each other. I miss them so much that sometimes I can hardly stand being here without them. We need to give my friend a name. Let's go with Wolf. It is a fitting name. She likes being alone but there is a part of her that is loving and caring for her family and friends and she still has a need for closeness with family and friends. That is why I think Wolf fits her. My thoughts about a Wolf is seeing them with a strength to be alone but still has a need for being in the Pack. Wolf's Dad is cool. I know he still has made major parenting mistakes but he has a love for his daughter and that helps to make up for the mistakes he has made. One of his coolnesses is being their quietly for Wolf. You know, like not judging or coming down on Wolf even if he dosen't agree with what she is or has done. He is just there if she needs him, which is so important to a daughter whether she is a child or all grown up. It is nice to have a parent that dosen't come down on you with you with should of, could of etc, etc. Wolf has had a rough time the last month, so HH (her Dad) and Idecided to let her sleep. So Wolf slept while we fixed breakfast. HH and I had fun, well it really became fun when our breakfast makings became focused on teasing Wolf. He had me put on an apron, cover face with flour and go to her bedroom and wake her up wtih telling her how hard I was slavin over Homemade biscuits. She didnt believe the life size picture I was trying to paint for her of working over the bisuits. She finally gave in and rolled out of bed. While Wolf was talking her shower, HH and I got into a deep conversation about life. I have a tendency to start or bring this out in people. While I was sitting here this morning (thinking about the weekend) I realized why I start these conversations with people. I'm strange, I want to put my opinion out there (I don't believe that My Opinion is the corrrect answer) but I want to hear what someone else feels. Sometimes it helps me to understand something else that I might not have thought about, and I have a hard time with understanding things about others when it comes to why they hurt other human beings. I take it to heart and it sometimes and it gets me so depressed inside when humans hurt each other. Anyway, I made a comment about how scary I feel the muselums are to humans. Like stoning their daughters and killing in the name of Ali. I might understand sending your spouse or yourself as a scarifice to your god, but not your children. Covering them and yourself with bombs. HH said that this is how these people were raised, this is their belief and it is the right thing for them to do, just like our belief is to respect life and it is wrong to kill. Who is to say, Who is right or wrong. If we were raised like they have been, it would be the right thing for us to believe and we would get a closer place in heaven by killing our enemy. To them it is the right thing to do. I never thought about it this way and this is why I like to have deep conversations with other's. Most people don't want to listen or hear how someone feels or their opinion, but I do. I really want to understand other people's feelings. I guess because I really beieve that just because I feel certain way, it dosen't mean it is right, or correct or whatever. Anyway, Wolf had come out and she heard us talking and she wanted to know what brought on such a deep conversation. I know sometimes she gets upset with me when I start these conversations. This morning while I was sitting here, I figured out why I have this need. I feel like sometimes I'm such a misfit in this world and that I'm the one that is Misplaced, or something. It is hard to explain. I guess I don't want to wait til I die to find out the answers to the universe, I'm a very impatient person, I need answers now. Wolf had sent me a sight where I get messages from the Universe sent daily to my e-mail.. I'm glad she turned me onto the sight. I know that it is just a random sending and a thousand other people are getting the same message, but it is a cool sight. Today's message from the Universe is what started me thinking about the weekend. "The more you find good in others, the more you will find good in yourself. My friends and family have never understood me when it comes to my forgiveness of others, but that is what I do. I find the goodness in that person and I go back to being there for them no matter what they have done to me. I also have a strong belief that a Gentle man did walk this earth hundreds of years ago and he did Love everone, (even a whore)and all he asked of us is to Love One Another. I don't think that is something wrong to ask of us humans. If you look for the good in that person, it does help you to let go of the anger you feel towards them when they have hurt you. I know this has been a jumping all over the place blog, from teasing, to muselums to whores to friends hurting you. But I guess it sorta ties in together, and it helped me to understand some things. JUST FUCKING LOVE EACH OTHER "DAMMIT" IS THAT SO HARD. I apoligize for swearing. I just get so frustrated over this part of the human race. OH! and tease your best friend. It will make you feel better. Byeeee P.S. I will continue the rest of the weekend later.

Another childhood Memory

2010-02-15T15:58:00.000-06:00

I was on my way back home yesterday, it is about and hour drive. I was changing radio stations and hit one of the religious ones that had good music. A song came on about sending a message to your Dad that you love him. It made me think about my Dad's. I was very lucky to have two Dad's one blood and one step that both loved me. My parents divorced when I was about 4 years old. I don't have any bad memories of them fighting. I just have flashes of memory. I remember and upstairs apartment and I would wait downstairs for my Dad when he would come home from work. My brother broke his leg and I can remember pestering him and he had gotten a set of fenching swords, and as usual used me as practice. I remember a Howdy Doody sign that was in one of the stores. His hand moved waving back and forth. Then they bought a house. I remember a nightmare where the ghost were trying to get my feet. Until adult hood I couldn't sleep without my feet being covered. Funny how things stay with you. I was standing in the yard and saw a man walking with a huge animal, I think I thought it was a camel. It was a horse, a pinto to be exact. He had a camera and my Dad put me up on the horse with a cowboy hat on my head. I think that is one of my most favorite pictures. When I find the picture I will post it, I'm curious to see how many other people might have a simular picture from the 50's. I have seen a few at some of my freinds house. I learned to ride my first bike with training wheels naturally. The next thing my Mom moved my brother and I in with my Grandparents who owned a store and lived in the back part of the building. I missed my Dad and I didn't understand what was happening. I think my mom thought I was to young to understand so she never explained what was happening. I tell my friends now that are getting divorced and have children to Please talk to them and explain what is going on, no matter how young the children are, I think it sorta messed me up. I think whatever happens to you when you are a child stays with you the rest of your life, and really messes you up emotionally. What caused this post to be written was I remember asking my Mom when I was an adult, what had happened with her and my Dad. She said that my Grandpartents wanted her to marry him even though he was older than her. She loved him but not like a husband. She loved him more like a brother and that she would always love him, but not as a husband. I had forgotten that part and it popped in my head yesterday as I was driving. I was told by a family member that my Dad didn't go to the divorce court, because he didn't want the divorce and couldn't handle going. So he signed over everything she wanted and us kids. A couple years after the divorce she married my Step Dad. I couldn't have asked for a more loving and caring Dad. Both my Dad's worked at the same place and they got along my whole life. My Dad said his friends would ask him "don't you want to drop a motor on him, whenever my Step Dad walked by". They worked at a auto plant. My Dad told me he said "No it would only stop production". I watched my other friends with divorced parents and they were just miserable. There was always fighting and arguing and it was very hard for them to deal with, and most of them grew up being screwed up by all of the fighing. So I think I was very lucky in that department, but I still had turmoil inside me. Well I guess I will blog about that later.

WORLDS BIGGEST FOOL

2010-01-28T00:11:00.000-06:00

Don't ever believe that giving someone all your Love would ever make them Love you. I guess having someone who loves you and would be there for you is not important to some people. Even as hurt and angry as I'am my stupid heart still loves her. I wish I could just cut it out. I have fought so hard for someone for 8 years, just to have her throw it back at me. I thought maybe she would understand how important is was for us to still be friends, because she is going through the same thing wanting this with someone else. She said I did mean something to her but NO...you don't treat anorther person like she has me. Even if you cared an ounce you wouldn't treat them so cruel. My stupid mind is having such a hard time excepting this and I keep thinking I had to have done something cruel to her for her to treat me so bad. I'm having nightmares because I hate this world so bad right now and would give anything to be out of here. I just don't know what to do. I'm so lost without her. I know I deserve everything that is being dished out to me. I guess it is hard to take this punishment that life has decided to dump on me. I only wanted to show her some kindness and a love she has never had before. I think it is also hard thinking about the rest of my life not having her to hold me. I know people pretty good and I know I will never find anyone who will give me the physical love I need so badly. I don't mean just sex. The holding, laughing together and wrapping up in each others arms at night. Most people want to sleep on there side of the bed and not touch. Oh well. Maybe someday I will be able to get over this, but right now I can't see that ever happening. I just wish she would see the person that I see inside her and let her come out. She is someone who does like laughing and having a good time, but she would much rather keep her pain and be with someone else who would never give back. Right now I will keep praying never to wake up. Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to take. PLEASE

Poem to My Friend and The One I Love

2010-01-27T13:40:00.000-06:00

Where Sould I Go,
I Don't know,
My heart is Heavy and I feel Low.
Should I chase a Rainbow?
or find Sweet Comfort here with my Friend?

Storms Gather then they Leave,
but sharing time here, with me listening to
to her woes and her crying,
It is worth sharing those Times here
because She makes My
Sky Bright and My Sky Blue.

There are times we hurt each other,
but I will still sit here at my Puter,
Because when it is over she will make
Me Laugh and smile, then I know
it has been worth waiting for her
at my Puter.

No matter what happens She will
always have a Special Place
in my heart, nobody, not even she
can take that away from me.

She makes my Heart take Wings
and Fly each time were here together
Her and I
I Pray someday her heart will do the same,
as we sit here at our puters
Together
Her and I

Ok, I did my best. As you can tell, this was me. It may not rhyme, but it is from the My Heart.

Byeee

2010-01-24T16:34:00.000-06:00

Well this maybe the shortest time a blog has been set up. I started this thinking it would help me with the pain of my past and to help me deal with the present. I have realized this weekend nothing stops the pain. Oh it gets easier to live with then it pokes it's head out to stab your heart then you have to smack it down with a hammer and hope it stays away for awhile. There is all types of love. The kind you have for family. It ranges from different levels. Strong being parents, siblings, relitives, friends and so on. My brother was a strong one. I think it was so hard because I didn't get to start my mourning while he was dealing with his illness, I had to hide my pain. This was what he wanted. So when he died I thought the world had ended. Then my mother. We were also close. I thought not only had the world ended but I didn't want to be here without her. I think when you lose your Mother, you have lost the one person in your life who will always love you with all her heart, and when she is gone you feel totally lost without her. After she passed away I had gone to Minnesota with some friends to see the Worlds largest mall. We went our own ways and I had wondered up to the top floor. I stood hanging over the railing trying to decide if I should jump when I saw someone below (but ever thoughtful me didn't want to land on them and make them go SPLAT) so I decided to wait til it was clear. Then I thought maybe I should watch for one of my friends to be down there so that they would know what happened to me. Well I was coward and decided to stay alive. I guess you know this since I'm sitting here typing. Then you have the love for another person. What has become my past love was sorta a caring, who has a special place in your heart, but never the passionate and true love. I don't think you ever know the difference until you have met the one who takes your whole heart. Unfortunately 8 years ago I met that person that was and is and will always be my passionate and true love, and unforunate for me she never wanted my love. Now were back to thinking of everyway to stop the pain. Funny how death always sounds like the best way out. This way it stops everything. No more pain, no more heart feeling like it is broken into a thousand pieces. But, I do believe there is a hire power and I'm scared to death I will never be forgiven for taking my life and eternity is longer than the length of this life. So I wish someone would come up with a pill that stops the pain, but I can't see that ever happening in my life time. Well I guess I'm saying goodbe. Unless I wake up tomorrow and miraculessly the pain is all gone. I will be back if that happpens. I just hung up with one of my friends, (she is alot alike like me, loveing people with her heart all her life) and she said journaling is the only thing that has helped her. It dosen't, stop or change anything, but it has helped her. So maybe I will try again to write on my blog, but right now I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Oh well...guess I'm done.

Ramblings

2010-01-21T20:39:00.000-06:00

The last 3 day I have tried to accomplish something. I would pick up computer, head to my office. Office is my bathroom. I have a snack table, ashtray and enough space to set my pop (for the ones that are not from the north that is Coke). Why is it when your depressed, you get yourself in such a funk that it is difficult to accomplish anything. I haven't even started looking at old pics, that I had hoped to place on my blog. Geez I hate depression and I hate being lazy. Talk about loosing brain cells. I just remembered I went for a spinal block for a compressed disk in my back on Tuesday. Which they got all excited because my little chart showed I might be having a heart attack. They immediatly shipped me over to the emergency room. I was fine, and I knew I was fine, but they wouldn't listen. So I guess I have been a little busy. I did pick up puter and go to my office yesterday, but when I sat down for some reason I started thinking about all the times I have hurt someone. I can say that in my long life span that it hasn't occured often, but I do remember each one. I had an older brother. Let's see we will call him Big Bro. We were 8 years apart in age. He was my protector. If the bullys wouldn't give my ball back I ran and got him. He would drop everything and retrieve my ball. So needless to say we were very close. When I was 18 and he was 25 we found out he had Hodchkins disease(not sure of spelling and I need to find spell check on here). He had a wife and two children and wanted to live for them and himself so bad that he let doctors use him as a test subject. He was not only hoping for a cure for himself but he said he might be able to help others. While everyone else were letting him see their pain, I decided I was going to hide mine know matter how much I was hurting inside. So for the next 7 years, on went the smile, out came the jokes and a laugh that totally hid my pain. This turned out to be a good thing. He turned to me to stay by his side. I guess I was paying back all the years of the protection, the secure feeling inside that no matter what I always had him to protect me. I got a call one night from my mom to get to the local emergency room, she thought he might not make it this time. He already had been through years of being zapped with rays, injected and flip, flopped in all directions. This time the doctors had cut between his toes and injected him with a knew serum. It started eating through his veins and was creating huge blood blisters all over his body. Even his gums were black with blood. Anyway, when I got to the emergency room and it was my turn to go see him. I walked into the room and it took everything inside me and more to keep from losing it. He had his eyes closed so I thought he couldn't hear me and I started sobbing. I remember telling him I loved him, kissed him on the forehead and walked out. They rushed him up to the big city hospital and I went to see him the next day. When my mom and s-n-l (sister-n-law) left the room he put this big smile on his face and said "You thought I was a gonner this time. HaHa had you" I didn't see the humor but he thought he was being funny. He asked me to please never cry again when I was with him. He needed me to be strong, he wanted to see my big smile and hear my laugh. He said the hardest thing for him was not dying but seeing and hearing the pain that everyone was going through because of him. He knew he could count on me to be strong for him. I gave him my promise. Well this hospital would let a patient order an extra meal if they had family coming to stay. They had a pretty big menu. So he got a kick out of ordering things that he knew I would love to eat when I was coming up to stay. Well I was suppose to go up to visit him and it was a long drive. I think I decided I was to tired and it really wouldn't matter if I stayed home. My mom went up there and when she got home she said he had ordered steak and all the fixins and he was very disappointed I didn't go up to see him. When I went up the next day and walked into his room, I could see disappointment in his eyes. I can still see the look. I think that was the first time in my life that I had really hurt someone and I made a pledge to myself I would do everything possible never to hurt someone again. I know, I'm not perfect, but at least I try to honor my pledge. All this came rushing back to me last night when I was ready to type and I spent the next hour boo whoing and then gave up my night of blogging. Anyway, when I hear of someone with this disease and know they have lived with it for a long time (example: Ricky Nelson's daughter has had a long life with this disease) it sorta gives me a little pride thinking that just maybe something the doctors did do him just might be why they are still alive.
Like I said in previous blog my mind races in all directions, from past to present to future. I guess one of the things I'm looking for is to hear others stories of similar events in other peoples lives. I don't know, maybe to hear how they handled the situation. I don't know, I guess I think maybe it will make me feel better or see if I handled something or I don't know, it's cheaper than seeing a shrink or taking drugs if it helps to hear what others have to say. Maybe nobody will ever read my blog or they might not respond but that's ok. I have said what was on my mind for the day. Thanks

Where Should I Start?

2010-01-18T21:23:00.000-06:00

I have wanted to start a blog for a long time. I have been Scared, Terrified etc. etc. I can't decide where to start. From the beginning of my life or what is happening now. Scared that I will write the wrong thing, say something totally stupid, look stupid, have bad spelling, poor grammer and puncuation marks. I think I will start from the embryo era. I have been told I should write a book, but I think I have led a very boring life. Now that I think about it they were the ones who really didn't have a life. That sounds cruel. Sorry take that back. They live a totally normal life. So I guess some of the things I have done seemed interesting to them. Ok we will go with that thought. I also have to get into my head that I'm writing this blog for me. My brain is always on overload and maybe if I get out some of my thoughts and feelings out into the atmosphere it will help to unload some of my brain cells I have left. The cells have only a tiny space left so I guess I better decide and get started quickly. I want to put some pictures together and thoughts before I really get started. So I'm using this as my introduction of saying HI! to everybody. Oh! I'm sure you noticed the name Lucy. Well I have earned that nickname as you will find out later in my blogs. Ok, I'm going to go and work on my projects and I will catch all of you later. Geez my brain is already feeling a fraction lighter. Unfortunately I have a long haul ahead of me. I better hurry. Byeeeeee