It didn't work.

I was stupid. I called Rain. Big, big Mistake. The third needle rolled away out of my reach. I almost fell off the bed trying to grab it and by the time I pulled myself up on the bed I passed out. I give Rain credit for taking me home and trying to act like she cared about me. She did a good job for a few weeks but the love she doesn't have for me started to come out. I have decided to stay out of her life. I decided to give her what she wants and that is me out so that she can settle in with the other one. I will miss her and her family but it is over. I wish her the best and I hope she will be happy with her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My only life now will be No life.

HEART IS BREAKING

I think I will make a pill that shuts down your heart when it is breaking. I wish it would listen to my brain and stop hurting and just give up. I'm worried to death about her. There was a fight again last night between her and the other. She didn't want to have anything to do with me when I tried to call her. I'm sitting here now worrying to death about her. Normally I would call and be there for her, but she has shown me a thousand times that she doesn't need me or care about me. Why can't I just let go. Unfortunetly my brain keeps remembering how much fun and loving she can be. That is the side I can't let go of and pray someday she will be the person I know is inside of her. I keep trying to run through my brain all the times she has hurt me I try to remember only those times,but it doesn't work. I would much rather be happy than miserable but she doesn't want to let herself be happy and she could if she would only try. I'm so tired of thinking about death, but it seems so peaceful compared to the life I have now. I try to sleep as much as I can just so I can shut down. I can't help but thinking about being with her and us being happy. We both have good families. Yes I know I can't walk away from here but I really think if she did care, and I knew she would stay with me, I would for once in my life put myself first. It would be painful to hurt him and have him go to a home, but I don't think I can go on hurting so bad and being miserable. Oh well this day is almost over, maybe tomorrow I might end all of this.

I WAS JUST THINKING

She always tells me that is a big mistake when I think. Anyway, I was wondering if it would still be consider suicide if I stop taking all my meds. Blood pressure, insulin etc. If I started eating all the fats, starch and sugar that I could get into my body. Would that be suicide. I could just convince myself I have become one of those people who believes meds etc is bad for you. It would take alittle longer than what I had planned but maybe I won't burn for eternity.
P.S. I know there was alot of missed spelled words and some bad grammer in my last post but I hit post then looked back and it was to late to change. OH well.

I hate being up and then getting slammed down.

Day started off great went to her family birthday party and had a great time. Not even a mile away from their house and her phone starts texting. I was looking forward to us going to our hangout and having some fun alone. I thought maybe she had a good day with me and also was looking for time alone with me since I have only seen her once for a few hours in about 4 weeks it might have been less but to me it seemed forever. I also thought that she had spent so much time with the other one and one of her friends that she would like to be with just me, but no the texting started to for them to come to our hang out. I should have dropped her off and left. Tbey finally left and I decided to let go of the knot in my stomach and we had a nice ride back to her house and some laughs when we got there. She even gave me a nice kiss and held me. I had to leave, got home and we were having fun on facebook. I went to text her about something and I didn't get answer. After a dozen calls to her and texting to her with no answer I was panicking something was wrong. The other one came home and a fight began between them. She denies being jealous of the other one and a friend of hers but someone doesn't go nuts at the mention of the other ones friends name. This has gone on for about a year and a half. She says it is because she can't stand the other ones friend and it has nothing of being jealous. I'm not stupid, if it was that then she would have let go of this a long time ago. 11 years ago when the other one came back into her life I could tell there was a change and I new right away she still cared about the other one. All this time I had hoped so badly that she would let got. There was times that she and I would go years with having a good time and enjoying each other but I always felt the shoe would fall and someday she would admit she still loved the other one and it finally happened last year. I just about killed me. All the times we made loved and had a great time became sad memories for me. I then and still do think she wished it was her everytime she touched me, everytime we laughed together she wished it was her she was laughing with, I couldn't stand these thoughts and almost went crazy over it. The pain of these thoughts have never left, it destroyed all the happy times I had with her. It made me feel stupid that I even tried to think she loved me, wanted to make love to only to me, to laugh only with me etc. I have been there for her, I have made her laugh, I let her know how special she is and I have always been there for her. Unfortunately that wasn't enough to make her forget the other one. From what I have seen and know of there relationship the other one never did any of this for her. One can never know why someone who had someone who would walk on water for them would want someone who wouldn't even lift of finger to be there for them. I remeber someone 11 years ago who was totally different than the person she is now. I never want credit for anything I do but it hurts when she doesn't realize it was me that helped her come out of her shell. She has forgotten it was me who was there trying to pull her out of her shell even with her friends, but now she thinks she just started coming out of it on her own and she has forgotten I was back there way back in time trying to open up to her friends, to let them in her life instead of sitting there and playing trivia then going home. My stupid heartwon't let go. As soon as I see her or hear her voice it starting beating fast and it hopes that maybe, just maybe I might have that one chance to win her love. It will never happen. My brain knows this. So I keep battling my heart to let go, but I can't stand the pain much longer. I don't want to let go because I love her, and she doesn't realize if I do this the one person she has that really loves her won't be their to pull her out of her dpression and make her laugh. I'm so tired of hurting physically and emotionally. I pray every day that I won't wake up to face another day. If I knew I wouldn't be punished for the reat of eternity, I would go ahead and take a full bottle of pain pills and load of insulin to make sure I can't be saved. I have gone over and over in my head how I would do it. I have left goodbye letters on my puter and directions on how to bury me, distripute my stuff, etc. I'm getting closer and closer to taking my chances that I won't be punished in the after life. That God will understand that I can't take the pain in my heart anymore and I can't take the life that I'm living her at home. I picked up the pills and filled up some insulin needles. I have it all planned in my head to quietly turn off the phones so he can't be called, send her a message to make sure my sister gets my computer and not to try and call here to tell him because I turned off the phones and not to call my sister because she is at work and she won't answer her phone because they won't let them get calls. Then go quietly and lay down in my bed. He would never know until moring what I did and would to late to save me. I keep thinking about the pain finally stopping in my heart, the physical exhaustion and physical pain I go through everyday would finally be over. Unfortunaetly that one fear I have of paying for what I did would be alots longer than what I have to deal with now on earth. I just want to be happy, I'm so tired.

Nothing has changed.

Each day I hope things will be different. My thinking I wasn't being missed was proved tonight. It is getting closer to the time when I can get out of here and stay away from here on the weekends. I was stupid to think she might be excited about me being able to stay on the weekends. No, she let me know that she wasn't excited and maybe she acted like she didn't want me to stay anymore. Well there is something going for the next 3 weekends. I think I will quit going out on friday nights. One of the weekends she will have to be with me overnight. That is next weekend. So I guess that will be the last night that I stay. I think she is having more fun without me around so it will be easy on her when I stop coming out. I wanted to at least be friends, but I can't stand seeing her and dealing with the fact that she doesn't want to hold me or anything so I don't think it is going to work out with us just being friends because it is breaking my heart. I guess I will have to look at it like a death and just deal with the pain and leave her alone.

Libra

Being Libra I have a need to weigh everything. The scale has hit bottom on one side. I think this decision will make someone very very happy.

IT IS TIME TO GIVE UP.

I guess it isn't time for me to write what I have been thinking. I had a lot to say but the one thing that keeps going over in my mind is Give up and quit trying to hang on to something that doesn't need you.