Doors Opening an Closing

I was talking to a friend yesterday and I said when I look back at my life I see a door that opens and closes. People come in and then they leave. I guess the only satisfaction from this analogy is I see why I was placed here on earth. Not that I'm happy with the way my life has gone. She mentioned today about having 3 children and naturally my brain starts racing about my past. So once again I will tell another story. I promised not to digress on what I'm talking about, geez where is spell check. Also forgive me for some of the words I throw in, it is a bad habit and most of the time I use the wrong word and on here the bad spelling comes with it. Ok, I lost train again and I need to get back on the track. One of the Doors. I always wanted children, I love children. After high school I worked in an office. After about 5yrs (this was back in the old days when male showvenists ran rampent). I decided if one more male placed there work on my desk (because my work was finished) I would walk out. Yes he did and yes I walked out. We had decided to wait to have children so I decided I would start a daycare in my home. One of the little boys (just call him P) was two years old. I gave his mom alot of respect because his dad had walked out on them when he was born, and she worked hard to provide a nice home for them all by herself. I started keeping him overnight on Fridays so that she could have sometime to herself, and I refused to take money for any extra time I did this. I also did some babysitting for the people in the town next to us. They had money and I had to laugh because I always felt like they would make me feel quilty because they had to pay me and here was a mother that was struggling and I had to fight her about keeping her money. P became mine. I started taking him for the whole weekend and then I started taking him for camp outs and when I would go somewhere for a weeks vacation. About this time was when my brother paced away. Door closed and P opened another. Anway, I took care of him until he was 7 and he went to school in my district (he lived in a town next to me). Well they found out and then it would have been to expensive for his mom to pay to send him to our schools and to far for me to drive to her home. So that door closed. When he started full time school I had stopped sitting and started my own cleaning service. I became close friends with some of the families I worked for, and this one family I also became friends with their youngest daughter. She would come home for lunch and we would watch Ryan's hope together. I also found out that a natural born child in my life wasn't going to happen, so we had decided to adopt. Well my friend got married and within the year was pregnant. I couldn't wait for the baby. Finally it was time for the baby and her mom said she would call whenever it got here. I got the call, I was so excited but I could tell she was crying. Daughter was ok but baby had been rushed up to childrens hospital, he had been born with a cleft lip and palette. Nobody even had a chance to see him yet, not even his mother, she had a Csection and was knocked out when he was born. While he was in hospital they found out he had major birth defects. They eventually gave it a name. CHARGE. Cleft,whole in heart, autisim,G&E had something to do with spine. Here came my next Door opening. D came home and I remeber the first time I was going to get to see him. On the way to his home I was scared to death. I had been around handicapped adults but not a baby. Would I hurt him, would I not be able to control my emotions etc. I got there and knocked on the door and I heard his mom tell me to come in. When I walked in she was standing in living room holding the smallest bundle I had ever seen. I walked up and she placed him in my arms. When I looked down I saw the most handsome little boy that I had ever seen, and he was so tiny. He looked up at me with his little messed up face and he immediately crawled inside my heart and that is where he still lives. I knew then he was mine. Well his mom had been crying, she was so frustrated because she couldn't get him to eat. They had pulled down his lips and stitched them but he was to young to fix the palate so it was open and the milk was coming out through his nose. Plus with all these problems and with the fact that his mind didn't tell him to suck, you had to push on the bottle gently to get the milke out for him. I took the bottle and placed him on my breast holding him tight so that he felt secure and kept his head up so that when I gently squeezed the bottle he started getting the formula and then he feel asleep. I would stop by as often as I could to help plus I enjoyed every minute with him. Then I started to get them to go out one night on weekends and I would stay with him. They would come home and find me asleep on the couch and D sound asleep between my boobs. They were his pillows for most of his life. His parents were having a hard time getting him to go to sleep and they wished I could move in,but I couldn't so I was there as often as I could be. They couldn't get anyone else to take care of him not even his grandparents because they were afraid he would break, and he also had a problem until he was about 2 that his heart would stop beating and he would be rushed up to hospital. So it was even scary for me. Thank goodness the monitor only went off maybe 4 times during this period and it was when he was with his parents. I was soooo thankful for that one. The doctors couldn't tell us anything, if he was blind, could hear, would ever be able to walk so it was a wait and see. So I started taking him home with me on the weekends. It started as one night then both nights then I would keep him when I was off or on vacation, I would just take him with me. He never crawled, he would roll and it was so cute. He learned to go fast and we found out he could see because when he was heading towards something he would swing his little butt and go right around the object, and when I would stop to get him, he could be across the room and he would roll as fast as he could as soon as he would see me standing there. When he got older he would crawl up my body like alittle monkey and crawl into my arms. I would take him everywhere, out to dinner (even if we were going out with friends, they all love him)to church etc. It was funny with the little old ladies in church. D only wanted me to hold him so during church it was me that was up an down holding him (i'm catholic and there is alot of up and down)well the little ladies would get upset becasue they thought the person with me should help and would come down on him for not helping me, I had to explain why so they didn't hit him with an umbrells or cane. The sad part (and this made his mom cry) is her family (they had money and they thought they were the beautiful people and our little D wasn't perfect to them) so they were embarrassed by him. Not so much how he looked but I think by what he did, you know the sounds and certain ways he moved etc. Even his Dad was uncomfortable to take him out in public and D could feel this when they would go out so they had problems with him acting up. I don't know, I just ignored people starring (I couldn't see what they had to look at in the first place) it would make me sort of angry but D didn't know it so I just ignored them, if he did I would have let them have it right between the eyes for being so ignorant. My sis gave me a surpise 40th. I was always pulling things on people and nobody was able to get me, well she did, I had know idea when I saw all of my friends smashed into my house. I think there was about 40 people. Anyway, D was about 8 and all my friends had been around him from the begninning and he was at my party. My friends took turns playing with him and holding him so his parents were able to enjoy the party. The next day his mom called me crying, she said she would give anything if her friends and family would be like that with D. I remembered her telling my at functions that D would be there, she would spend most of her time taking care of D and nobody else would pay attention to him. I said my friends and family love him and it isn't that yours don't care it's just they don't know how to handle him. To us he is just another beautiful child. Well we didn't think he would ever walk but he learned to hold your hand and he would walk, it was wobbly but at least he was standing. One day (it was right after thanksgiving and he was about 4 or 5) she called me at her moms where I was cleaning. She scared me because she was crying and all excited and I thought D had gotten hurt, when I finally understood she was trying to tell me he was walking. I said I would be right there and threw down the phone. When I walked in back door I heard her tell me to stop and stay in the kitchen. On the way there I told myself not to get my hopes up that D would be like everyother child and not walk when I got there, well she came around the corner holding his hand and she then let go. He looked up and saw me and walked as fast as he could and then crawled up my body like he always did, all I could do was hold him and sob. Every parent out there knows the feelings when your child first learns to walk so can you imagine the emotion when your child walks and it is something that you think will never happen. All her mom and I could do was cry the next few months. Everyone got frustrated with me when they would ask what I wanted for xmas. I couldn't get it in their heads that I had just gotten the best xmas present that I would ever get my whole life and I wanted nothing else. D started in a special school and was being taught sign language. It was not quite normal sign language, it was based on what he could learn and yes there was another crying time when the first time he signed MOM TWO. Ok, well I guess I will stop with this post and continue later. My sister is coming for dinner and I think we will go see Alice, even though certain people are trying to ruin my image of Alice by saying it was drugs she was on and not that she had this cool imagination. Humph