Will the Pain Ever Go Away?

Today is the anniversary of my Mothers passing. I can't believe it has been 17 years. I have to admit when I think about her now and the age she would be, (83), I think it would have been very hard to watch her grow old. She was beautiful. Strawberry blonde hair, fair skin, and a smile that lit up a room. Everyone that new her loved her. I counted how many people came to her visitation and it was close to 300 people. Well the ones that signed her book. The day we buried her the cars were lined up behind us, it seemed like a mile. I'm from the north and I give the south credit for the respect they give to the passing. Cars pull over and wait till you pass by and we went by a baseball field where they were playing ball. Every boy there stopped and faced us and took off there caps. She was born and raised here. When I was little things were pretty calm between us even though she had a special belt. NO I don't hate her for that, she never used it very much and only gave you about 3 hits, but that was enough to make you think about doing something wrong the next time. I think now that allot of the kids should of had a parent that had a special belt. Anyway, my teen years were rough. Mom came from a total different environment growing up and we had some rough times, but it was strange after I turned 21 and was married, she all of a sudden didn't seem so bad. We became friends and there wasn't many days in a week that I didn't call her or stop and visit. She loved everyone and she would go out of her way to help anybody that needed her. My Grandmother lived with us off and on most of my life. Her and Grandpa would move up there with us and then move back down here. When Grandpa died she moved up there with us. My sister and her husband decided to move down her because jobs had gotten so hard to find up there, and then my Grandmother decided to move back down here and my Mom was in a hard place, trying to decide where she should be. Even though it was hard on me about her and my stepdad moving, I sort of pushed for it because they wouldn't quit working and I wanted them to relax and enjoy life. It is beautiful here and I new they would relax and enjoy life more here than up there, so they moved. The first three Christmas's they would call. Everyone would take their turn talking to them and I always waited, and I would be the last to talk. I would first talk to my StepDad and then my Mom would get on the phone. Total silence on both ends, I couldn't say a word and neither could she and we would just hang up and I would go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Finally about the fourth Christmas we were able to talk, well at least till we were ready to hang up and we would both start boo whooing and just hang up. I was cleaning houses so I could come down here as much as I wanted and I did. Christmas of 1992 we decided to come down and surprise her. We had never been here for the holiday and I couldn't wait. We had bought her a bird. She had never had a pet. I had three birds and every time I told her about them she would get all excited and say she wanted one. So off we went with bird in cage. She was in bathroom getting dressed when I walked in and almost fainted. It was a great Christmas, and she loved her bird. It was a female Cockatoo and she named her Pretty Bird. Not to original but that was OK. When we got ready to leave Mom and I started our usual crying, and I said I would be back in March. I had decided to travel alone and my Mother had a fit. I told her I was coming by myself and she was to tell EVERYONE that they were not to call her the week I was there to visit. My mom ran people all the time to doctors etc. and even when I was there to visit, which upset me because it cut into my time with my Mother. She agreed but didn't want me to come by myself so I called a cousin and asked her to come with me. She had a son that lived in the neighboring state and she could go visit him. I told mom to make sure she told her son that he was to be there on the day of our arrival and pick up his mother. I was determined to have her all to myself. Well the day we were suppose to leave I noticed my dog was sick, and by the time I took him to the vet and was ready to leave it was late afternoon. Went to pick up cousin (she wasn't quit all with it mentally) but she had decided not to go. Said ok, no problem, stopped back at home (this was before cell phones) and called mom and said I was still leaving right now, which she had a fit because it was so late and I would be driving at night. OK, I promised I would stop halfway and stay with one of our friends. She had been friends with my mom since I was a baby. So mom agreed. Got on road and stayed over. Finally get to Mom's and she had dinner waiting, my sister came over to join us. I was alright with my sister spending time with us, plus I knew she had to work so it wouldn't be all the time. It was a great week. One of the best times my Mom and I had together. Nobody called her this week, and I also told my Grandmother who lived near by that I was spending time with Mom, and she was ok with it. On Saturday Mom, Sis and I were suppose to go to mall but Sis got tied up with a meeting. Inside I was glad. We ran all over the Mall. Stopped to eat. Mom carried hot peppers and onions in her purse all of the time. She couldn't eat without them. She did her usual of trying to get me to take a bite of her sandwich, and I knew a whole pepper was sitting in there to attack me so I did my usual NO. Day was almost over and there was a store I wanted to go to and there was one that she wanted to go back to. So we split up. Her store was downstairs and I was sitting next to escalator (which had stopped) and she had to walk up them, normally that wouldn't have been a problem because she walked allot, but she looked bad when she got to the top. She promised me she would go to the doctor. I still regret that I didn't make her go Monday before I left. That night she went and brought out all of her free stuff that she would get from her makeup companies. You know Estee Lauder etc. I went through and picked out what I wanted. She said something about her face being old. She was 67, and I remember touching her face, her skin was so soft and the only wrinkles she had was around her lips. We talked about that being strange since she had never smoked but she was the type that worried about everyone and I think it was just from worry. When she got up she sat down on couch and I put my head in her lap. That was always my favorite thing, even if I sat in another chair, she would pat the space next to her on the couch for me to come over and lay down. She would always stroke my hair, for some reason it always comforted me, and most of the time I would fall asleep. I would give anything if I knew then it would be the last time. Tuesday I was getting ready to leave, I always saved my mom last for the hug and kisses. When she hugged me we both did our usual and started to cry but I told her NO not this time, I was going to be back in about 3 weeks. I had a strange feeling come over me, she let go and didn't say anything and walked away, heading towards the living room. Again I wish I knew then that it would be my last hug from her because I would have never have let her go. I gave my Stepdad another hug and went out the door. When I got in van I always made a circle around because they would also be standing on the front porch waving Goodbye, but this time only my dad was standing there and that feeling came over me again, just strange and sad but I had to get on the road. I stopped back at our friends to spend the night and called mom to tell her I was there and everything seemed fine. Got home on Wednesday. Thursday night we went to our friends for dinner. At 6:30 the phone rang and it was another one of our friends that finally had located where we were, I was taking something out of the oven and I hit the top rack with my hand, when I looked down I had burned my hand and I thought about my mom. She always was burning herself when she cooked and there was a burn scar on her hand in the exact place. I took the phone and my friend said to call my sister immediately, something about a stroke, I thought it was my Grandmother. Friend gave me number and I called my sister and she said it was Mom. She had an aneurysm in her head and it broke. The November before this her sister, who was living on my mom's property had the same thing happen and she died. My sister said that our Dad and her didn't want to put her on a machine but it was up to me. If I didn't want that to happen they would let the doctors hook her up. We went home. My friend was there waiting and I called my cousin who was close to our family and my niece. I remember I went outside and my dogs were in there kennels. We had a huge male Newfoundland and he was so sweet and always seemed to know when I was hurting. I sat down on the ground and he put his big head on my shoulder. I remember screaming for God not to take her, I needed her more than he did, Please let her live. I knew I had to call my sister back with a decision. My Mom believed so much in a heaven and I knew she couldn't wait to get there, and if I had them hook her up I was afraid she would hate me for delaying her trip to heaven. I also knew if I didn't hook her up that her body would be cold when I got there and I wanted to hold her one more time. Damn I wish I was selfish, I called my sister and told her to let her go and I would be there as quick as I could be there. I know I should be happy that we had the best time of our lives together the week before, but it wasn't enough. As I said in an earlier post, I did think about suicide, I couldn't deal with the pain. It still hurts so bad. She was the only one that ever just would hold me, and I always felt so much comfort in her arms. I Still Miss You Mom With All MY Heart.

I have to add this, One of the reasons I love Wolf so much is the comfort she gives me, I know we have fights and some mean things are said, but when it's over she wraps her arms around me and holds me. I also thank her for doing this, I guess I'm someone who finds so much comfort in being held and I also thank Mom and Wolf for giving me something I need.