My Double Life

Hmmmm. Where do I begin. I guess from the beginning. I got married a month before my 21st birthday. We had been dating, off and on since I was 16. We have been married now for 37yrs. While we were dating, we would have a fight about every 6 months. I would close out my savings account, go and buy new clothes and hit the streets with my friends, and I would date until he pulled his brain back together and send me, I'm sorry letter. I'm glad now that it happened that way, because I can't say he was the only one I dated. I guess it just makes me feel like I didn't settle for the first one that came along. He is a good guy. My family loves him and my friends love him and I did love him. Our marriage was good. It wasn't perfect, but I think most people can say the same thing. There was one thing that was important to me. Something that I enjoyed and something that I needed. Will I say what it was, NO. I did talk to him through the years about this problem. There were times I cried and he knew I was really upset, but he chose not to listen to me. It made me feel ugly, unwanted and a whole lot of different things. Life went on and then we had to make a decision to give up everything up north and move here to start taking care of my family. Yes he was unselfish and said yes to us moving. Things didn't change even with us moving. I thought maybe away from everyone up there that things might be different here, but it wasn't. Financially things started going bad. The good paying job he had when we moved here, folded, but he did find another job. Then he had a major heart attack, 7 bypasses. After about a year he was doing good. He walked everyday, lost a lot of weight and he felt great. I thought maybe things would change. OK, I will say it, I thought he would want me, but no, everything I blamed it on his weight, or whatever excuse I made was gone. He just didn't want me in that way. I was assistant manager at a local gas station, on the night shift. Some of the local guys were paying attention to me. I had never, ever, thought about going out with someone. I had plenty of opportunities, but I always said NO. Why didn't I leave him. I blame it on being a Libra. I weigh everything. I looked at all his good sides, and only one bad, so the scale was on his side. I started to work on our problem. I guess after his heart attack, I started feeling life passing me on, (I was about 42) and things had to change. It was something that should have been important in our marriage and I was the only one that felt that way. I talked to him. I told him I couldn't go on without being held, and that there was someone interested in me where I worked. If things didn't change, I didn't think I would be able to control myself. I still can't believe he made lite of how I was feeling even though he knew I was so upset. I couldn't get it in his head that this problem was so important to me. I started flirting more. I remember the day Milk Boy,( that was the name my husband gave him, yes my husband even gave him a nickname because I told him this guy always stopped and bought chocolate milk when he got off from work). Anyway, Milk Boy had stopped in the day before and said he was going fishing in the morning, at sunrise. Next evening he comes in, walks by the counter, I said how was the fishing, he said (now I can't remember if he went fishing) but he is heading back from the coolers talking, I see his hand up in the air, above the counters and he was shaking the milk. I said the next time you go, I would love to go and see the sunrise. The milk stops shaking...lolol. OH! Men are so predictable. I knew what was coming, before he even got up to the counter. He leans on it with this chess a cat grin and says "You would like to see the sunrise, with me". It was all downhill from there, I had him by the you know whats. Now he is stopping in every night after work and we talk. I go to husband and tell him all about this, his answer was go for it. Well not like that but close. My heart just stopped beating, I couldn't believe that he would prefer me to be with someone else. He knew I was serious. I must be stupid. How many spouses tells their spouse, I'm going to go out on you". Duh! At that moment I stopped loving him. I just shut down inside. Well Milk Boy and I started seeing each other, oh it was just quickies her and there. I felt like it was someone else doing this, it couldn't be me. I can't really explain it. I picked him over the other guys because he had a cocky attitude and I knew I would never fall for him, this would be only for fun. Back at the store a woman was coming in and we had started talking and sort of becoming friends. She liked auctions and I did to and we talked about going together. So we were becoming friends. One day she pays for her things with a check. I look down and I almost lost my lunch. I saw she had the same name as Milk Boy. He said he was single. OK! tell myself it could be a coincidence but I waited til she left and got out the phone book. There at the same address was Milk boy's name. Only I could become friends with the wife of the guy I'm having an affair with, back to why I'm called LUCY. I tell him it is done, over, finished. She starts coming in more and now he is with her, and I want to crawl under the counter. Now I'm in the middle of this, I like her friendship and we started hanging out. We went a lot of places together and I never told her, I know that sounds terrible, but what was I going to say "oh we can't be friends because I was doing your husband". I don't see her now, our lives sort of went different ways but she never found out about us. I tell you it is strange, going to an auction and you are in the middle of an ex lover and his wife.

Now about the part of me that I had decided that needed to come out. I knew my whole life I was different. I was born in the 50's when sex was never mentioned out loud, much less the word Lesbian. I didn't understand my feelings. I had never heard about gay people. Around my friends the feelings never came out and I finally figured out why. My friends were very feminine, like me, I wasn't attracted to them. My unusual feelings would come out when I watched a porn movie (I wasn't watching the men) or had a fantasy here and there, which did not involve a male. Every once in awhile when I saw a woman in a baseball cap, well I knew something was different, I NO, sometimes I'm a little slow on the uptake. Geez, I don't know how I made it this far in life. As I got older these feelings got stronger, but I didn't know what to do about them. Like I said, when you look back over my life, you can see a pattern, and my life fell into place as it wanted to happen not what I wanted. I guess this wasn't suppose to come out until I got older. From about my middle 30's I started battling my feelings of wanting a woman. Now I'm in my 40's, down here in the little town that was forgotten. I was use to having a lot of friends to hang out with and run around with, since my husband enjoyed staying at home all the time. NO, I always behaved, I just loved going out to dinner, traveling, going to movies, belonging to clubs, and one of my friends would have to say is"Wanna Go" and I would be out the door. I moved here to take care of my family, and then I find out the women weren't aloud outside of their houses without there husbands. Ugh. Without me having a social life, my family thought I would have a break down. Up north I kept two calendars, one on the wall and one in my purse so that I could keep up with everything I had to do. Finally made a friend where I was working, no she was straight, but it had an unhappy ending. Maybe I'm cursed. Anyway, that is another story. So I needed to find another friend, a good friend, to hang out with and have fun, but I also was thinking that I needed to come out of the closet. Well I got on line, started talking to Wolf and I found everything I was looking for, but the most important thing I found was a good friend.

Back to the husband. I decided I needed to get out of my marriage, but husbands health had started going down hill. Too late. I had fallen in love with Wolf, but she didn't love me. I should have still left from here but my step dad was still living and I decided not to make everyone else unhappy. So I did what I always have done and I put everyone else first. Now husbands health is really bad. He is on dialysis three times a week and only walks a few feet. I have to take care of everything. All the worries, all the care of the house, all the care of myself and also all the care of him. I make a dozen or more trips back and forth all day long, carrying food, bath water or something he needs. I also take care of his 88year old mother. Thank God she is healthy, but for 40 years I have done everything for her, including her thinking. My husbands dad died of cancer two years before we were married. Yes it is my fault that I took over everything. I'm the type that wants things done now and not 6 months from now. So instead of making her and her son do what they should have been doing, I did everything for them, and now they think they can't do anything for themselves. Now I'm sick. In three years I have had both knees replaced, rod and 4 screws put in my back and told my spine will keep degenerating, and a torn rota-tor cuff fixed. Plus diabetic etc., and it is rough. But, it is the bed that I have made and now I have to lay in it. Yes he knows about Wolf, and he would have been alright with everything but he found out I had fallen in love with her. I do feel bad about that, I have never hurt anybody in my life and a part of me wishes I hadn't done that to him, but I couldn't help falling in love with her. To show you that he is a decent person, when my step dad passed away, Wolf and Annie came to the visitation. When they got ready to leave, he walked up to Wolf and hugged her. She just froze with the look of terror on her face. She thought he was going to slug her or something, but he knew how upset I was at my loss and he knew how much I care about her and he was just making a nice gesture. When Friday comes I put all of his food together for the weekend. I set up as much as I can next to him where he can reach it, in coolers etc, my sister brings pizza on Saturday and the only thing my mother n law has to do is fix lunch on Sunday and then I'm back here. So when the weekends arrive I start them off totally exhausted, but it is worth getting out of here. Life is punishing me for being a bad person. We are financially losing everything, and I can't find a way out of that mess, I can't even talk to him about it because he gets so upset, then I have to deal with him and myself being upset. If I leave, him and his mother they would have to go into a nursing home.

I know myself, I would never be able to live with that so I stay here being miserable, living for the weekends, and hoping someday Wolf will love me, more than just a friend. I think my next blog will be the day I walked into F's and saw her for the first time.

P.S.

I put all of this out here because my blog is my journaling. My venting of my life. I have always been a happy go lucky person and I'm trying not to let all of this bring me down, and I'm hoping blogging will let me release all of my tensions so that when I'm out on the weekend or with friends that I can hide what is going on inside me. Yes Brooklyn I will get your email address. The only people I have to talk to is my sister, but I don't talk to her about my feelings, and my niece, but I don't want to worry her,Yellowdoggrannie has been kind enough to lend me her ear, and Wolf, but she has enough problems of her own.

So if someone reads this and hates me because I'm an adulteress, OH well. It is something I have to live with and something I will have to answer for someday.