Byeee

Well this maybe the shortest time a blog has been set up. I started this thinking it would help me with the pain of my past and to help me deal with the present. I have realized this weekend nothing stops the pain. Oh it gets easier to live with then it pokes it's head out to stab your heart then you have to smack it down with a hammer and hope it stays away for awhile. There is all types of love. The kind you have for family. It ranges from different levels. Strong being parents, siblings, relitives, friends and so on. My brother was a strong one. I think it was so hard because I didn't get to start my mourning while he was dealing with his illness, I had to hide my pain. This was what he wanted. So when he died I thought the world had ended. Then my mother. We were also close. I thought not only had the world ended but I didn't want to be here without her. I think when you lose your Mother, you have lost the one person in your life who will always love you with all her heart, and when she is gone you feel totally lost without her. After she passed away I had gone to Minnesota with some friends to see the Worlds largest mall. We went our own ways and I had wondered up to the top floor. I stood hanging over the railing trying to decide if I should jump when I saw someone below (but ever thoughtful me didn't want to land on them and make them go SPLAT) so I decided to wait til it was clear. Then I thought maybe I should watch for one of my friends to be down there so that they would know what happened to me. Well I was coward and decided to stay alive. I guess you know this since I'm sitting here typing. Then you have the love for another person. What has become my past love was sorta a caring, who has a special place in your heart, but never the passionate and true love. I don't think you ever know the difference until you have met the one who takes your whole heart. Unfortunately 8 years ago I met that person that was and is and will always be my passionate and true love, and unforunate for me she never wanted my love. Now were back to thinking of everyway to stop the pain. Funny how death always sounds like the best way out. This way it stops everything. No more pain, no more heart feeling like it is broken into a thousand pieces. But, I do believe there is a hire power and I'm scared to death I will never be forgiven for taking my life and eternity is longer than the length of this life. So I wish someone would come up with a pill that stops the pain, but I can't see that ever happening in my life time. Well I guess I'm saying goodbe. Unless I wake up tomorrow and miraculessly the pain is all gone. I will be back if that happpens. I just hung up with one of my friends, (she is alot alike like me, loveing people with her heart all her life) and she said journaling is the only thing that has helped her. It dosen't, stop or change anything, but it has helped her. So maybe I will try again to write on my blog, but right now I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Oh well...guess I'm done.