Ramblings

The last 3 day I have tried to accomplish something. I would pick up computer, head to my office. Office is my bathroom. I have a snack table, ashtray and enough space to set my pop (for the ones that are not from the north that is Coke). Why is it when your depressed, you get yourself in such a funk that it is difficult to accomplish anything. I haven't even started looking at old pics, that I had hoped to place on my blog. Geez I hate depression and I hate being lazy. Talk about loosing brain cells. I just remembered I went for a spinal block for a compressed disk in my back on Tuesday. Which they got all excited because my little chart showed I might be having a heart attack. They immediatly shipped me over to the emergency room. I was fine, and I knew I was fine, but they wouldn't listen. So I guess I have been a little busy. I did pick up puter and go to my office yesterday, but when I sat down for some reason I started thinking about all the times I have hurt someone. I can say that in my long life span that it hasn't occured often, but I do remember each one. I had an older brother. Let's see we will call him Big Bro. We were 8 years apart in age. He was my protector. If the bullys wouldn't give my ball back I ran and got him. He would drop everything and retrieve my ball. So needless to say we were very close. When I was 18 and he was 25 we found out he had Hodchkins disease(not sure of spelling and I need to find spell check on here). He had a wife and two children and wanted to live for them and himself so bad that he let doctors use him as a test subject. He was not only hoping for a cure for himself but he said he might be able to help others. While everyone else were letting him see their pain, I decided I was going to hide mine know matter how much I was hurting inside. So for the next 7 years, on went the smile, out came the jokes and a laugh that totally hid my pain. This turned out to be a good thing. He turned to me to stay by his side. I guess I was paying back all the years of the protection, the secure feeling inside that no matter what I always had him to protect me. I got a call one night from my mom to get to the local emergency room, she thought he might not make it this time. He already had been through years of being zapped with rays, injected and flip, flopped in all directions. This time the doctors had cut between his toes and injected him with a knew serum. It started eating through his veins and was creating huge blood blisters all over his body. Even his gums were black with blood. Anyway, when I got to the emergency room and it was my turn to go see him. I walked into the room and it took everything inside me and more to keep from losing it. He had his eyes closed so I thought he couldn't hear me and I started sobbing. I remember telling him I loved him, kissed him on the forehead and walked out. They rushed him up to the big city hospital and I went to see him the next day. When my mom and s-n-l (sister-n-law) left the room he put this big smile on his face and said "You thought I was a gonner this time. HaHa had you" I didn't see the humor but he thought he was being funny. He asked me to please never cry again when I was with him. He needed me to be strong, he wanted to see my big smile and hear my laugh. He said the hardest thing for him was not dying but seeing and hearing the pain that everyone was going through because of him. He knew he could count on me to be strong for him. I gave him my promise. Well this hospital would let a patient order an extra meal if they had family coming to stay. They had a pretty big menu. So he got a kick out of ordering things that he knew I would love to eat when I was coming up to stay. Well I was suppose to go up to visit him and it was a long drive. I think I decided I was to tired and it really wouldn't matter if I stayed home. My mom went up there and when she got home she said he had ordered steak and all the fixins and he was very disappointed I didn't go up to see him. When I went up the next day and walked into his room, I could see disappointment in his eyes. I can still see the look. I think that was the first time in my life that I had really hurt someone and I made a pledge to myself I would do everything possible never to hurt someone again. I know, I'm not perfect, but at least I try to honor my pledge. All this came rushing back to me last night when I was ready to type and I spent the next hour boo whoing and then gave up my night of blogging. Anyway, when I hear of someone with this disease and know they have lived with it for a long time (example: Ricky Nelson's daughter has had a long life with this disease) it sorta gives me a little pride thinking that just maybe something the doctors did do him just might be why they are still alive.
Like I said in previous blog my mind races in all directions, from past to present to future. I guess one of the things I'm looking for is to hear others stories of similar events in other peoples lives. I don't know, maybe to hear how they handled the situation. I don't know, I guess I think maybe it will make me feel better or see if I handled something or I don't know, it's cheaper than seeing a shrink or taking drugs if it helps to hear what others have to say. Maybe nobody will ever read my blog or they might not respond but that's ok. I have said what was on my mind for the day. Thanks