I Can't Take

I'm a giver. I want to take care of someone when they need me. I want to cheer someone up when they are sad. If there is a hurt animal I will do everything to help it. I guess I do it for a selfish reason, it makes me feel good when I have listened to others problems and I have made them feel better because I was there, or when they are sick and I have done something to make them more comfortable, and if it puts a smile on there face, I feel great inside. When someone is hurting I feel their pain and it rips my heart out. When I see an animal hurt, I can barely stand the pain I feel inside. So, if I make you feel better and stop an animal from hurting, I feel fantastic inside. So I'm a selfish person. I was talking to someone and I said that feeling good inside is so much better than being miserable. They said it is easier to feel miserable, this is true, but I would take a happy feeling way over the miserable feeling even if I have to work harder at feeling good. OK, that is why I'm a giver. I don't know why I can't take back. Yes I have had everyone tell me that it is wrong not to want to take. That if I give out I should be willing to ask for help, and to take what is given me. I just can't, the end. I have always been a strong person, physically and mentally. I might mope around and feel sorry for myself then I put my big girl panties on and deal or straighten out whatever the problem might be. I don't know I just feel I have reached the end of my rope, my hand is at the end and my other has know place to go. I can't believe I have said all of the different things on this blog. I never say what is inside of me. One of my friends, after knowing her for 15 years, asked me one day to talk to her. I said I'm always talking. She said no, you know everything about me, you know how I feel about everything, I no nothing about what is inside of you. How you feel inside, yes you say your opinion of something but not what is going on in your heart and head and what you are feeling. I was going through a rough time and she knew this, but all I could do is look at her and say I'm Fine. The only person who really knows me is Wolf. Well this blog but maybe not very many people will ever read it. I guess it is because she isn't judgemental, or maybe she won't think I'm nuts about what I'm thinking. Well, I think she thinks I'm nuts. lol

This blog was brought on because someone was kind enough to say they would listen. I thank them. This is important to me. I know people care about me, but this person knows about some of the things going on in my life, more than my family or friends, and it was nice to know she and her g/f would be there to listen. I guess I feel there is no reason to talk about what is happening. If I walk away, I have to live the rest of my life with the pain and suffering I will cause. Two of the people in my family that knows my situation, wants me to walk away, but I'm the one that has to live with the destruction I will cause, and I would much rather be miserable than to hurt someone that bad. Financially nobody can help, I have buried myself. I guess this is the reason I don't talk about this problem, there is know answer.

OK, enough of this. I need to get packed and I'm looking forward to having my pillow fluffed, and yes I will have to take an ass kicking before this will happen. It will be worth it. 8-)